


Heartbeats

by TheseusInTheMaze



Series: Plausible Deniability [7]
Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Anger, Arguments, Blood, Blow Job, Conception Attempts, Costume Kink, Creampie, Cunnilingus, Dark Humor, Drinking, F/F, F/M, Face Sitting, Grief, Hospitals, Miscarriage, Polyamory, Pregnancy, Pregnancy sex, Public Sex, Vaginal Sex, Valentin's Day, original child character - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-28
Updated: 2018-02-28
Packaged: 2019-03-25 02:08:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 39,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13824237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheseusInTheMaze/pseuds/TheseusInTheMaze
Summary: Holly Conrad more or less knew where she was in life.Further adventures in the Plausible Deniability universe.





	Heartbeats

**Author's Note:**

  * For [HerbertBest](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HerbertBest/gifts).



Holly Conrad more or less knew where she was in life.

She was finally settled in… more or less.

She had two husbands, two lovers, a daughter, three cats, a lizard, two cockatiels, and thirty seven pigeons. 

Life kept happening, the way life always happens, but she was more or less on top of it. 

Wren helped.

Her daughter was a whirlwind of energy - drumming, painting, screaming, drawing, running after life and trying to grab it with both hands.

It was almost too much for Holly, truth be told, but miracle of miracles, she wasn’t in this alone.

Whenever Holly was overwhelmed, there was someone else.

When Holly was going to die if she was touched for one more minute, in swooped Ross, distracting Wren with tickling and wrestling and teasing.

When Holly’s head was throbbing from Wren’s drumming and shouting and nonstop questions, in came Dan, to jam with her and look at the fireflies.

And when Holly needed to be someone who wasn’t a wife, wasn’t a mother, she ran off to Suzy and Arin’s place, where she was a pampered, treasured addition.

So really, everything just needed to stay the way it was. 

Because it always works like that, doesn’t it?

* * *

Holly rolled over, waking up slowly, and groped around for Dan, who was closest to her.

He liked to sleep between her and Ross, receiving maximum body heat. 

He was a lizard.

“You’re a lizard,” she mumbled into Dan’s neck.

“Mmm?”

A long arm sprouted from the nest of blankets, found her hip, and patted it.

“You’re a lizard,” she said again, a little louder this time.

“Why am I a lizard?”

“Urgh,” said Ross, from Dan’s other side, “you’ve got horrible morning breath.”

“I was sucking your dick last night,” Dan said, rolling onto his back and stretching, an arm going around Holly’s shoulders to pull her closer, so that his sparse chest hair was tickling her cheek. 

She tucked her head under his chin, listening to the beat of his heart.

Ross reached over, interlacing their fingers, then kissing the back of her hand.

“I assumed you’d brushed your teeth after that,” said Ross, and he yawned wide enough that his jaw cracked.

“I… think I did,” Dan said, and he yawned again, the bottom of his jaw hitting the top of her head. 

“You don’t remember?”

“Holly was riding my dick,” Dan said. “It’s hard to remember shit when that happens.”

“... I can’t really argue with that,” said Ross.

“You guys are both pigs,” Holly said, and she made a big show of rolling onto her side.

Dan curled around her, his morning wood pressed into the softness of her ass, his hand going to her belly.

Ross, always one to get straight to the point, draped himself across both of them and grabbed a handful of Holly’s breast, squeezing it.

… ow.

“Okay, no, ow, hold on.” 

She shoved Ross’s hand away, making a face.

Since Wren had been weaned, Holly’s breasts more or less just hung there. She was still too sensitive sometimes, and around her period they always got swollen. 

“What, already?”

“Yeah, seems like it,” said Holly, and she sighed, her ardor cooled.

And then the bedroom door flew open, and in came Wren.

“Mama, there’s a big bird outside!”

“What kinda bird, Wren?”

Holly adjusted her nightgown, so that she was covering more, as Wren climbed onto the bed, crawling in to cuddle up to Holly, clutching at the front of Holly’s nightgown, nestling into the hollow of Dan’s chest.

She had Dan’s curly red-brown hair, and his long nose, with Holly’s green eyes and delicate jawline.

“It was really big,” Wren said, and then she was yawning, snuggling in. “Can we have pancakes?”

“That’s up to Abba,” said Holly. “He’s the Pancake Master in Chief.”

Wren stretched luxuriously, content in her bones the way well loved children can be. 

“I guess I can find it in me to make some pancakes,” Dan said. “Somehow. I’ll find it in me.”

“But I don’t want them in _you_ , I want them in _me_ ,” Wren said, her voice plaintive. 

Ross cackled, pulling Wren closer to him so he could kiss her face.

She squealed, flailing, getting Dan in the chest with one small fist, and he grunted, making a face.

“I’m gonna go have a shower,” said Holly. “Can you set the table, Wren?”

“I can’t reach the plates,” she said. 

“That’s okay,” said Dan. “You can put the forks and knives down, and we’ll know where to put the plates.”

“Okay, Abba,” said Wren, and then she was wriggling free, dashing downstairs.

“You want some company in the shower?”

Ross waggled his eyebrows at her.

“Do you mind?”

Holly glanced at Dan. 

“You crazy kids have fun,” Dan said, making a vague shooing motion with one hand. 

Holly rolled her eyes, and she gave him a loud, smacking kiss on the mouth. 

“Ewwww,” came the commentary from the hallway, and Holly rolled her eyes, and leaned over to give Ross a loud, silly kiss.

“Ewwww,” Wren said again, and she sounded like she was giggling.

“Some day, you’ll wanna kiss someone like that,” Dan told Wren, getting out of bed and groping around on the floor for a t-shirt.

His erection had gone down, thankfully.

“You don’t have to,” Holly added, as an afterthought.

“Right, right,” Dan said quickly, and he leaned down, picking his daughter up and balancing her on his hip. “C’mon. Let’s get these pancakes started.”

Wren’s voice piped down the hallway, then went muffled as they went down the stairs.

“So,” said Ross, waggling his eyebrows, “you wanna go… take a shower with me?”

“You sure you’re up for that, after last night?”

Holly tossed her nightgown off, standing naked in her own bedroom, and she stretched luxuriously, her back cracking, the cooler air making her nipples harden, raising goosebumps along her legs.

Ross came up behind her, wrapping his arms around her middle, kissing her shoulder.

She shuddered, a little arrow of wanting squirming down her vertebrae.

Some internal muscle twitched, and Ross’s hands came forward, to fondle her breasts, more gently this time.

It was still too much, and she made a face, pushing his hands away.

“Sorry, babe,” she told him. “I don’t think I’m up for that kinda thing.” 

“Oh no,” Ross said, his voice deadpan. “I just get fifteen uninterrupted minutes with my wife while standing in hot water. My life is so difficult.”

Holly snorted, cuddling up to him, kissing his bristly jaw, then going into the bathroom, getting the water hot enough.

* * * 

Ross and Holly made out in the shower, washed each other.

She jerked Ross off, even though he said she didn’t need to, because really, why not?

They had the time for it. 

For once.

Now that Wren could be trusted to be left alone for short periods of time (and for a given value of “alone”) they were getting used to having a sex life again. 

Although Holly had a whopper of a period coming on, if she was this sensitive.

Even the shower water was a bit too much. 

“Next time,” Ross said in her ear, after he had collapsed against the shower wall, panting like he’d been running a race. “Next time, I’ll eat you out, okay?”

“Sure,” said Holly. “But can you wash my back?”

“Of course,” said Ross. 

* * * 

Holly came downstairs, fully dressed, to pancakes and orange juice.

Wren had set the table pretty well, apart from mixing up the spots for the forks and the spoons.

Dan was cutting up fruit for the birds, and he’d already fed the cats.

“Mama, is it true that at fancy restaurants they’ve got, like, a million forks?”

“They’ve got to have a bunch of forks,” Holly said, sitting at the kitchen table and yawning.

Wren scrambled into her lap, clutching at Holly’s shirt.

She was still wearing her Pokemon jammies, her curly hair loose and slightly tangled around her head.

“No, like… every person gets a million zillion billion forks,” said Wren.

“I don’t think they get a million zillion billion forks,” said Holly, and she gently poked Wren around the ribs, which made Wren squeal and cackle.

“They do have a lot, though,” said Ross, and he leaned over to poke Wren in the belly as well.

Wren squealed again, and pressed closer to Holly, grabbing at Holly’s breast the way she had when she was still nursing.

It took every bit of self control not to swear at her daughter and shove her off.

It hurt.

It hurt so much that Holly was a little worried that she might pass out, and that couldn’t be normal.

Um.

Holly flashed back to being pregnant with Wren, at how sensitive her breasts had been.

… no way.

But she had been this sensitive when she was pregnant. 

But also before her period.

Dan thunked a plate of pancakes down in front of her, and she stared down at the plate in front of her, her stomach doing… something.

It felt crampy, almost queasy.

Oh god.

Maybe she was just making herself anxious - she’d freaked herself out into a pregnancy scare before, and this was going to be no different.

Okay.

“Wren, go sit at your space,” Holly told her, keeping her voice firm.

“I wanna stay in your lap, Mama,” Wren said, resting her head on Holly’s collarbone. 

“Then you won’t get any pancakes,” said Dan. “Pancakes are only for big people who sit at their own seats.”

“I’m a big people!”

“You sure are,” Holly said, kissing the top of Wren’s head and tapping her on the hip. “But I’m not a chair.”

Wren really _was_ a big people, at ten pounds above the average, and three inches taller. 

Wren went to her own seat, only boosted up by one phone book, and stared at the syrup really hard, as if she was trying to draw it towards her with the power of her mind alone.

“Babe, the Force doesn’t work in real life,” Ross said, not unkindly, and he handed her the bottle of syrup.

“I wasn’t trying to use the Force,” Wren said. “It was that thing from that other movie.”

“Which other movie?”

“The one with the girl who got the blood dumped on her head,” said Wren.

“You showed our daughter _Carrie_?!” 

Dan stared at Wren, his jaw dropping. 

“In fairness,” said Holly, “it was when she was staying home sick and I didn’t realize she was awake for any of that.”

“There was a hand that came out of the grave,” Wren supplied, her tone one of someone being helpful.

“You’re gonna turn into a little gorehound,” said Dan, taking a bite out of his pancakes.

“There are worse things to be,” Ross countered. 

“So what do you wanna do today, birdy?”

“Mama is going to be busy with that one commission,” Holly said. 

“Abba, I wanna go to the park.”

“Which park?”

“The one with the sharks.”

Holly raised an eyebrow.

“New art installation,” Dan supplied.

“Oh,” said Holly. 

“They’re… pretty realistic,” Dan said, and he made a face.

Holly snorted. 

“Daddy can come too!” 

“Daddy… should be able to,” said Ross, staring up at the ceiling with a vague expression. “I just gotta check some stuff.”

“You need to clean your room,” Holly added. “Don’t forget that.”

“What does clean look like?” 

“Nothing on the floor, books on the shelves, all the toys in the box.”

“... ‘kay.”

“Good girl.”

Holly took a bite out of her pancake, and tried not to let the queasiness discourage her from her pancakes.

“Can you come to the park, Mama?”

“When I finish my project, okay? I just need to add some embroidery.”

“Okay!”

* * * 

The house was mercifully, blessedly quiet, once all the other inhabitants had left.

Holly tended to the pigeons, talking to them quietly, feeding them, giving them new water.

She was going to have to clean the enclosure soon.

Feathers was, as usual, mad at the world, but his wings twitched when she scritched his head.

The queasiness and anxiety stayed in her stomach, like a ball of iron.

She was going to have to make a doctor’s appointment, if this kept up. 

Although she was due a period soon, wasn’t she?

She’d missed her last one, but that had been normal - everything was a bit all over the place, since she’d had Wren. 

At least her pancakes stayed in place, as she went about her day, finishing the one commission, starting the next one, content in her solitude, but looking forward to the company she knew was coming. 

* * * 

She went to the park, to find both of her husbands and her daughter sprawled out on the grass, clearly winded.

“I tackled Abba!”

“I gathered,” Holly said, sitting down on the picnic blanket. “I brought strawberries, if anyone wants ‘em.”

“Oo, strawberries!” 

Wren crowded close, reaching for the bag, and Holly laughed, kissing the top of Wren’s head. 

“Did you and Abba and Daddy have fun?”

“There was a big dog!”

“How big?”

“So big! And he had big eyebrows, too!”

“What kinda eyebrows?”

“Orange eyebrows.”

“You know, witches know to never trust black dog with orange eyebrows,” said Holly, as Wren nestled into her lap, leaning back and munching on strawberries. 

Dan was on one side of Holly, Ross was on the other. 

She sighed, surrounded by her people, and the anxiety began to abate.

She’d tell them about the pregnancy scare - Dan would probably try to hide his excitement, and Ross would be his usual self.

They’d just have to ride this out, the way they rode everything else out.

She was going to be okay. 

It was all going to be okay.

* * * 

Wren was exhausted from running around in the heat of the day, and contented herself with sitting at her little drawing desk, scribbling something or other.

She was more musically inclined than artistically inclined, but two of her three parents were visual artists, so she had to be picking _something_ up. 

Holly bustled about, albeit slightly subdued.

The queasiness was beginning to turn into cramping, and she was almost completely sure that her period was on its way.

“You alright, Hols?”

“Mmm?”

Holly glanced at Dan, still chopping at bell peppers.

“You look kinda… drained,” said Dan. 

“I’ll be okay,” said Holly. “I think just a busy Saturday.”

“Yeah,” said Dan. “You’re right.”

He pushed back a piece of her hair, and he kissed her on the cheek, gently. 

She sighed, leaning into him, letting her eyes slide closed, just a bit.

“How about you go sit down, I’ll finish with this.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah,” said Dan. “You look like a zombie.”

“Gee, thanks,” Holly said, but she sat down regardless, leaning back into the couch. 

“Mama, I wanna watch a scary movie!”

“Movies are for after dinner, precious,” said Holly, brushing Wren’s hair off of her face. “How about you draw me a nice picture of those sharks?”

“Okay!”

Wren was endlessly passionate for all things in life, but also had the attention span of a butterfly. 

At least she wasn’t in a drumming mood, or Holly’s head might have been a hellscape.

… maybe it wasn’t her period. 

Maybe she was just getting sick. 

She curled up on the couch and let her eyes slide shut, just for a minute or so.

* * * 

She was woken up some time later, the sky dark, her own head pounding.

“Mama?”

Wren was looking at her, worried. 

“How much did I sleep?”

Holly propped herself up on her elbow, and she patted the top of Wren’s head.

Wren nuzzled into it, kissing Holly’s palm, and Holly smiled.

“Abba and Daddy said you needed to sleep a bit, since you weren’t feeling good,” said Wren. “Are you really sick?”

“No, I think I’m just coming down with something,” said Holly.

She sat up, and there was wetness between her legs.

Blessed relief sank through her - thank god, her period had finally come. 

“Well, dinner is ready,” said Wren.

“Did you wash your hands?”

Wren nodded.

“Good girl. Go sit at the table, I’ll be there in a second.”

“Okay!”

* * * 

Holly went to the bathroom, stuck a pad into her underwear, and she made a face.

She was already bleeding hard enough that it was sticking to her thighs, but then again, her periods had gotten stronger since she’d had Wren.

She looked at herself in the mirror, and she made a face.

She had dark circles under her eyes, and her face looked drawn.

Urgh.

“I do look like death,” she told her reflection, and then she made her way towards the kitchen, to sit down at the table.

“Mama, I drew a shark!”

“Yeah?”

Holly’s head was beginning to spin, and she stared down at her plate.

Okay.

Definitely getting sick. 

A cramp went through her belly, hard enough that she dropped the fork she’d been holding on to, and there was a sensation of something happening between her legs, before a wash of fluid came out of her, from the pad, overflowing the pad, to drip down her legs.

“Dan,” Holly said thickly. “Dan, I need… I….”

She turned her head to the side, and remembered to duck under the table at the last minute, so that Wren wouldn’t see her throwing up.

She was close enough to the smell of her own blood that it made her gag again, and then there was Wren’s voice in the background.

“Mama? Mama, what’s happening?”

“Wren,” said Ross, “c’mon, we’re gonna go see the pigeons, okay?”

“I wanna stay with Mama,” Wren shrieked, and it tore through Holly’s head and through her heart, even as she gagged again, more blood rushing out of her, running down her legs.

There was the sound of a chair being pushed back, and then Wren was crying loudly, but getting quieter, as Ross walked off, presumably with Wren in his arms.

Dan was behind her, his hands holding her hair back, and he rubbed her back. 

She leaned back, her stomach empty, her head against his stomach, a drop of bile dripping down her face from her nose.

He wiped it off with his thumb.

“I need… I need to go to the hospital,” Holly said.

“What’s - holy _fuck_.”

Dan caught sight of the blood, and his grip on her shoulder tightened enough that it was painful.

“Don’t let Wren see the blood, don’t let her see me like this, don’t let her - “

“I won’t, don’t worry,” said Dan, “but I need to tell Ross, okay? I’ll take you to the hospital.”

“Can you… get a towel or something?”

Another cramp hit her, and she gasped, curling forward, more blood coming out of her.

“Right,” Dan said. “Right.”

* * *

Ross couldn’t come in - he was busy consoling Wren. 

Holly assumed that Dan filled Ross in, because when Dan came in with three towels, he was already holding the keys to Ross’s car.

“Okay, let’s go,” said Dan. 

“What did you tell Wren?”

“I told her that Mama is feeling sick, but that you’ll be okay, but we have to go to the doctor, like the time with her finger.”

“RIght,” Holly said.

When Wren was almost six months old, she nearly sliced her finger off, grabbing one of the strings of Dan’s bass at a funny angle.

There had been much wailing and gnashing of teeth, but she’d gone to the ER and gotten her finger fixed. 

And now Holly was standing up carefully, leaning heavily on Dan, hobbling after him.

She wasn’t wearing any shoes, but her feet were so bloody that she didn’t want to risk it.

The gravel of the driveway cut into her feet, but it was a distraction from the pain in her belly.

There was vomit down the front of her skirt as well, and she was crying so hard that she couldn’t breathe, even as she gagged again.

“Shhh, pigeon, shh,” Dan said, and his hand was on her leg, squeezing it. “We’re gonna… we’re going to the hospital, it’s okay, c’mon….”

“I need to… don’t let her see the blood, okay?”

Holly was verging on hysterical, and didn’t know how to turn it off. 

“She won’t see the blood. I’m gonna text Ross right now, okay? He’ll clean the floor as soon as he can leave Wren alone. Okay?” 

“Okay,” said Holly. “Okay. Okay.”

She counted her breaths, sitting on the pile of towels, and she tried not to think about anything else.

* * *

Their arrival in the ER was… dramatic, but anyone with a bloody lap and bare feet arriving would probably have been dramatic.

They did various things to her - she honestly wasn’t paying much attention.

She was probably dissociating, come to think of it, but… well, it wasn’t hurting her right now, so it was easier to pay attention to that.

There was an ultrasound, there was an internal ultrasound.

Dan held her hand the whole time, his thick, knobbly knuckles almost white.

The bloody skirt was tossed in the trash, and she cried for that, and for… something else.

She didn’t know what it was.

But Dan held her hand, squeezing her fingers, and then she was alone in the hospital room, an IV in her arm to rebalance her various fluids, drifting.

The doctor came in, and she was a worried looking woman with pale brown skin and a narrow face.

“I’m sorry, Ms. Conrad, but you’re having a miscarriage.” 

Dan gasped beside her, and it took her a minute for her to understand what was being said.

“A miscarriage? I wasn’t pregnant.”

“You were about twelve weeks pregnant,” said the doctor. “We have a grief counselor, if you’d like to talk to him?”

“I’ll be fine,” Holly said numbly.

“We’d like to keep you overnight, for observations,” said the doctor. 

“Can my husband stay with me?”

The doctor nodded. 

“I’ll have them bring a cot.” 

“Thank you,” Holly said.

“Take as much time as you need,” the doctor said, and then the door was closed, and it was the two of them in the small room, with its sterile white walls and beeping machinery.

Someone was crying - really crying, wailing like an infant.

It took her a minute to realize that it was her. 

There were tears dripping down her face, off of her chin, soaking into the hospital gown, and Dan was sitting on the bed next to her, and he was crying into the top of her head, rocking her, his long arms wrapped around her. 

“I’m sorry,” he was saying. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, it’s….”

She kept crying, blubbering really, hard enough that she was gagging, and Dan was grabbing the water pitcher, as it was the only thing for her to throw up into, and she was throwing up into it, nothing but brown bile, and it hurt, but the pain in her throat and her nose kept her from paying attention to the throbbing ache low in her belly, between her legs.

She cried until she was hiccuping, and then Dan was leaving the room, and she was by herself.

Panic set in, and she was crying again, crying so hard that she couldn’t breathe, and Dan came rushing back, nearly spilling the pitcher of water, and he was on the bed again, holding her, his chin on top of her head, rocking her. 

She cried until she could barely move, and he kissed the top of her head, which was wet with his own tears.

“I’m sorry,” she said, her voice rough and thick.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Dan said, and he cupped her cheeks, pressing their foreheads together. “Okay?”

“Okay.”

There was silence for almost five minutes.

“We shouid… we should call Ross,” said Holly, when her voice worked again.

“Yeah,” said Dan. 

His voice was vibrating through her, from his chest to her skin, where it almost tickled. 

They stayed like that for some length of time, before Dan sighed, digging his phone out. 

“Okay,” he said. “What are we going to tell Wren?”

“We’re going to tell her I got sick,” said Holly. “Did you remember to tell him to clean -”

“Yeah, don’t worry,” said Dan. “He didn’t need me to tell him, he washed them as soon as he saw them. Wren was in our room watching a movie.”

“Okay,” said Holly, and she sighed.

* * *

They called Ross on facetime, and he looked a mess. 

He was talking very quietly.

“Wren’s asleep,” he said. “Do you… what happened? Have they figured it out?”

“I had a miscarriage,” said Holly, and she watched, in real time, as a little part of his heart broke. 

“Oh,” said Ross. 

“They’re gonna keep me overnight,” she told him. 

“Right,” said Ross. 

“Can you wake up Wren?”

“Are you sure? I don’t wanna screw up her sleep schedule.”

“I think she needs to know that I’m not dead. She was… she was really afraid.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” said Ross. “Hold on a sec.”

The phone was dropped, and the light turned on - Holly blinked at the brightness, leaning against Dan. 

Then Ross was picking the phone up again, and he was pulling their sleepy daughter into his lap, her face filling up the screen.

“Mama,” Wren said, and she yawned.

“Hey birdy,” said Holly, and she watched Wren’s face, some of the old terror coming back.

When Wren had been a newborn, Holly had stayed up next to the crib, staring at Wren’s chest, making sure it was rising and falling.

She was struck with the sudden need to have her daughter, to hold her, to feel her breathing, see the light in her eyes.

“What happened?”

“Mama got sick,” said Holly. “I’m okay now, but I know it must have been really scary for you.”

“Are you going to die, Mama?”

Wren’s lower lip was quivering, and her eyes were big and red.

“No, honey. I’m not gonna die any time soon. I’m gonna be okay, I promise.”

“Okay,” said Wren, and she yawned.

“Go to bed, birdy,” said Holly. “I should be home tomorrow.”

“Promise?”

“I promise to do my best to come home tomorrow,” Holly said. 

“... okay,” said Wren, and she yawned, snuggling into Ross’s chest.

“Sleep well, honey. Abba loves you!”

“Love Abba,” Wren mumbled, her eyes fluttering closed. 

Ross sighed, carefully disentangling himself. 

“You want me to come by tomorrow?”

“I should be okay,” said Holly. “I’ll keep you in the loop.”

“I love you,” Ross said quietly. “Both of you. I love you.”

“Love you too,” Holly said.

“Love you,” Dan echoed. 

The call shut off.

“We should go to sleep,” said Dan, and he yawned. “It’ll help you, uh.. It’ll help you feel better.”

“I doubt it,” Holly said, and she sighed again, but leaned back into her pillows. 

* * *

Holly was woken up once, when the nurse came with the cot.

Dan jolted awake from where he had been holding her, and then he was in the cot, far enough away that she was afraid, and she was crying again, and hating herself for it.

“I’ll be right here,” Dan said, and he sat up, shuffling his chair as close to her bed as he could, and he laced their fingers together, squeezing them. “I’m here, I’m not going anywhere.” 

“... okay,” said Holly, and she lay back, closing her eyes again.

* * *

She was woken up by another doctor, and it was light out.

There was a check up.

She wasn’t bleeding the way she had been, thank god, although she was still bleeding.

They said there would be a decent amount of that.

There was… a procedure that they suggested, which she agreed to, signing the paper in a daze.

It would be unpleasant. 

She was more or less braced for that.

She called Ross, gave him the details.

It was a good thing she hadn’t eaten anything - they had to give her anesthesia, through the IV, and then she was drifting off, still holding Dan’s hand. 

* * * 

She woke up, sore between the legs, to Ross by her bedside, his expression tight.

“Hi,” he said.

“Hi,” she said, blinking at him.

She was doped up on enough pain medication that nothing felt entirely real. 

“Wren is with Suzy and Arin,” said Ross. “I told them that, uh, that you’re sick. I didn’t give them details. And Dan just needs to get some sleep, he’s obviously wiped out.”

“Right,” said Holly. 

“I’m sorry we didn’t wait until you woke up,” said Ross. 

“It’s okay,” said Holly, and she reached out for his hand. “Are you gonna take me home?”

“Yeah,” said Ross. “If you’re feeling up to it.”

“Ask the doctor,” said Holly, and she shifted - there was a deep, aching discomfort between her legs.

“Right,” said Ross.

* * * 

The doctor seemed a bit nonplussed by the fact that now Holly was with a _different_ husband, but she was polite, which was all Holly could really ask for.

“Would you like to arrange an appointment with our grief counselor?”

“Let me think about it,” Holly said, her lips numb.

Her everything was numb.

She got dressed carefully, mechanically, in the clothing that Ross had brought her. 

He’d even remembered to bring her some sandals.

She leaned on him as they checked out, and then they were walking out of the hospital.

A woman was in a wheelchair with a baby in her arms, smiling down at it, and a lump formed in Holly’s throat. 

A baby. 

Would she have kept this baby?

She didn’t even know, but… she wanted the chance to choose.

Ross wrapped an arm around her waist, and they were walking hip to hip back to the car.

There weren’t any bloody towels in it, and it smelled strongly like air freshener.

“Do you want Wren to stay with Suzy and Arin? Because they’re cool with it.”

“No,” Holly said, the old fear climbing up the back of her throat like a rat. “No, I… no. I want to see her.”

“Do you want to pick her up on the way home?”

“Yeah,” said Holly. “Yeah, let’s do that.”

“Got it,” said Ross. “Can you call Suzy, tell her we’re on our way.”

“I don’t have my phone,” said Holly. “I think it’s still on the kitchen counter.”

“I plugged it in last night,” said Ross. “You can use mine.” It was sitting on the dashboard, and she leaned over to get it. 

“Oh,” said Holly. “Thank you.”

She was in a haze, a few feet to the left of herself, not really occupying her own skin.

It didn’t matter. 

Her body didn’t belong to her right now - it didn’t belong to… whoever might have become, but it didn’t belong to Holly either. 

She was dissociating, she realized, but that was okay. 

Maybe it was the pain medication .

* * *

Wren climbed into the car chattering happily about Otto and Mochi and Mimi, and Holly made agreeable noises, reaching one hand back to hold on to Wren’s hand, until her shoulder was aching, and she relished the pain of it, pulling her back into her body.

“Mama, are you feeling better now?”

Wren’s voice was querulous, and her fingers were gripping tightly at Holly’s fingers, the same way she had when she was tiny.

Back then, it took all of her hand to hold on to Holly’s finger.

And Holly was tearing up.

Oh god.

“I’m… I’m not one hundred percent better,” Holly said carefully, trying not to cry. “It’s like when Abba broke his foot. It’s gonna take time.”

“Okay,” said Wren. “I wanna help.”

“Just be your wonderful self, okay sweetheart?”

“Okay.”

“So tell me what you and Uncle Arin were drawing,” said Ross. “He said you guys are working on a comic!” 

“Yeah, it’s about a kitty, only not just a kitty,” said Wren.

Holly let go of Wren’s hand, leaning back into the seat, and she closed her eyes, letting her daughter’s talk wash over her in a wave.

* * * 

Dan greeted them at the front door, looking nervous.

He was holding two bouquets of flowers - one of them full of daisies, one of them a mix of California wildflowers.

“I got flowers, for my two favorite girls,” said Dan, and his voice was shaking a little bit.

His eye were red.

Wren wrapped her arms around Dan’s leg, pressing her face into his thigh.

“I love you, Abba,” she told him.

“I love you, Dan,” Holly said, and she kissed him.

He kissed her back, and he smiled back at her, a little watery around the edges. 

“Since it’s been such a… dramatic day, I thought we’d order pizza, watch a movie in the living room,” said Dan. “How does that sound?”

“Sounds good,” said Holly. 

Wren was squealing, bouncing around the way she always did when she was excited, then running back into the house, presumably to do whatever crazy business she got into when she wasn’t being watched. 

Dan’s face crumpled, and he pressed his forehead against Holly’s, and then Ross was there too, and the three adults stood there in the foyer, breathing each other’s breath, existing in space together, letting their grief mist out of their skin, to fill the air like so much fog. 

Better in the air than in their bodies, their minds, their hearts.

Better to grieve as three pieces of a unit then as individual, broken shards.

* * *

Dan built a blanket fort using the couch cushions, and he let Wren choose the movie.

Hotel Transylvania, natch. 

Holly sat between her husbands, her daughter in her lap, giggling along at Adam Sandler as Dracula, still a few feet from her own body.

By the time the movie was over and the pizza was eaten, Wren was yawning.

Dan took his daughter to brush her teeth, while Holly washed the dishes and their cups.

“I washed the chair,” Ross said.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. It shouldn’t smell like anything, but I moved it as well. It’s not your chair anymore.”

“Oh,” said Holly, and the relief that flooded through her was enough to make her almost stagger, leaning against him, her eyes sliding shut.

“It could have been mine,” Ross said quietly. “Since… you know.”

“I know,” Holly said, her own voice thick. 

“I’m sorry,” Ross said, and he squeezed her tightly. “I shouldn’t be bringing it up to you, that was… that was selfish of me.”

“It’s okay,” Holly said again, and she kissed him.

Orph rubbed against her ankles, and she sighed, picking the cat up and pressing her hot, wet face into his fur.

He endured this like a good sport, purring.

“Smelly man,” Holly teased, her voice rough. 

“Smeliest,” Ross said, and he kissed her. 

“You wanna go to bed and watch a dumb movie?”

“Yeah,” said Holly. “Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.”

* * * 

Holly took a long, luxurious shower before bed, scrubbing the remains of the blood off of her thighs and vulva.

There was still blood in her pubic hair, and she grabbed Ross’s razor, and just… shaved it off.

… oh. 

She stared down at her own body, not recognizing it, and then she gave a mental shrug, shaving the rest of it off.

She didn’t smell like a hospital, she didn’t smell like blood, and she was still bleeding, but she could deal with that.

She washed her hair, washed under her arms, washed all over again, with her strongest smelling soap. 

She came out, forty five minutes later, and she pulled her pajamas on carefully, as well as the special pads that they had given her at the hospital.

She sighed, coming into the bedroom, to find Dan on her side, Ross on his side.

“Sleep in the middle,” Dan said, his voice coaxing. “Please?”

“Won’t you get cold?”

Holly took her pain pills, making a face at the bitter taste as she swallowed it. 

“Please?”

Ross’s expression was anxious.

“... okay,” said Holly, and she climbed into bed between them. “What are we watching?”

“Lady’s choice,” said Dan, wrapping an arm around her.

He wasn’t wearing a shirt, and his skin was hot and dry. 

Ross was next to her, and he was sliding his fingers into hers, squeezing them. 

“So… what are we watching?”

“Lady’s choice, like I said,” said Dan, his face in her hair.

He smelled like himself, and Ross smelled like himself, and it was… it was something.

She started to cry again, as relief settled around her, and Dan was pressing her face into his chest, and Ross was against her back, his warm breath on her neck. 

“Kingsman?”

“Sounds good,” said Dan, going through Netflix. “Let’s just find it.”

* * *

She was doing great, until there was a baby on the screen. 

And then she was crying again, and she hated herself for it.

“Okay, no, no Kingsman. Let’s try something else,” Dan said quickly, and he was fiddling with the television on, putting something else on. 

It was Beetlejuice.

Holly sighed, as the familiar music washed over her, and then she was letting her eye slide closed, snuggling up to each of them, holding on to each of them.

She slept, overheated but comforted, and she woke up with a wet face, her sinuses aching, but still going.

It was still dark out, and she didn’t even look at the screen, just made her way towards Wren’s bedroom. 

Her daughter was sprawled out on the bed, sprawled out on her stomach, her blanket kicked down around her ankles.

Holly sat on the floor next to the kiddy bed, and she put her hand on Wren’s back, feeling Wren’s chest rise and fall.

Wren made a quiet sleep noise, and she rolled over, so that she was facing Holly.

Her eyes were moving under their lids, and she was pursing her lips, as if she was sucking on something.

At least they’d gotten her to give up on sucking her thumb.

Her eyes fluttered open.

“Mama?”

“Shh,” said Holly. “Go back to sleep.”

“You still sad, Mama?”

“Yeah,” said Holly. “I’m gonna be sad for a while, I think.”

“Yeah? Why? Can you stop?”

“I’ll tell you when you’re older,” Holly said. 

Wren frowned. 

“I wanna know now,” she said, her voice sleepy.

“I promise,” said Holly, “when you’re ready, I’ll tell you, okay?”

“Okay,” said Wren, and she yawned. “Gonna go back aseep, Mama.”

“Good idea,” said Holly, and she kissed the top of Wren’s head, then stood up, making her way (carefully) through the house.

* * * 

She woke up on the couch with the cats curled up around her, Dan standing over her.

“Hi,” said Dan. “I, uh… I was worried when I woke up and you weren’t there.”

“Sorry,” said Holly, rubbing her eyes and stretching. “I, uh… I got too warm.”

“I understand,” said Dan. “You’re not a lizard like me.”

He sat down next to her, hip to hip, his arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer.

She leaned against him, and she sighed, her face in his neck.

“That was a million years ago,” she said quietly. 

“But we’ve got a million years ahead of us,” Dan said. 

“You think so?”

There was an unexpected… something.

A tension in the air that was creeping down the back of her neck, or… something.

“Will this increase my chance of miscarriage again if we had another baby?”

“Do you want another baby?”

Dan froze.

“I don’t know,” said Dan. “I mean… we did -”

“I can’t have this conversation right now,” Holly said flatly, and she stood up. “I’m gonna go feed the pigeons.”

“Can I help you?”

“You should get ready for work. Get in some early Grumping with Arin.”

She was angry.

Incandescently angry, the kind of anger that she knew made her stupid, and it just… swallowed her whole, leaving her head pounding and her hands shaking.

“Hols, I didn’t -”

“I know,” Holly said, “but I just need to not right now, okay?”

“... okay,” said Dan.

It was clear that his heart was breaking.

But she was still bleeding.

She couldn’t bleed for both of them. 

* * *

Holly took a day off of work.

The pain medication was still leaving her loopy, and she was still bleeding. 

She rode with Ross, as Ross took Wren to preschool, and she kissed Wren extra hard, then sent her off into the teacher’s capable hands.

“So,” said Ross, “you wanna do something?”

“What kinda something?”

“I was thinking we could go to that vegetarian restaurant you like so much,” said Ross.

“You sure?”

“Yeah,” said Ross. “We could maybe go to a movie afterwards?”

“Don’t you have work you need to be doing?”

“You’re my wife, Holly,” Ross said, and he took her hand, squeezing it. “And… you know. I’m sad too.”

His face was stony. 

“Yeah,” Holly said quietly.

“It might have been mine,” Ross said, still quiet.

“... yeah,” said Holly. 

The car was quiet, as if it had been stuffed with cotton balls.

“But… it’s not your job to deal with my grief,” Ross said, and there was steel in the back of his voice.

“We’re partners. We share the burden,” Holly said firmly. 

She sighed.

“What’s up?”

“... I was kinda snappy at Dan,” she said. 

“What’d he say?”

“Why do you think he said something?”

“I love Dan,” said Ross, “but sometimes he sticks his foot so deep into his mouth that I’m amazed that he can speak around his own knee.”

Holly let out an inelegant snort of laughter.

“He talked… he talked about having another baby,” she said. “He mentioned how… you know, if this would make conceiving again difficult.”

“Well, that was thoughtless of him,” said Ross.

“Yeah,” said Holly. “But I should have been more sympathetic.”

Ross shrugged.

“You’re the one who had to go to the hospital,” Ross pointed out. “It was your body. So I think you’re allowed to get mad at him for being kinda thoughtless.”

“Still,” said Holly. “I want to apologize.” 

“That’s your choice, sweetheart,” said Ross, and he squeezed her fingers. 

She squeezed his back, and she sighed.

* * * 

Holly ended up picking Dan up from the Grump space.

She still couldn’t drive herself - no operating heavy machinery - but Ross dropped her off, after she’d spent the day with the animals, lavishing Feathers with attention, petting the cats, fussing over Paco and Honey Bun.

Wren was at her drumming lessons, and Holly ended up running into Suzy of all people, when she arrived at the Grump space.

“Hi, sweetie,” said Suzy, and she kissed Holly.

Holly kissed her back, mutely, almost numb.

She didn’t want to tell Suzy about the miscarriage. 

She didn’t want Suzy to look at her the way Dan and Ross were already looking at her. 

But fuck it, Suzy deserved to be in the loop.

* * * 

“I’m so sorry,” Suzy said, and she wrapped her arms around Holly, holding Holly to her.

And Holly was crying again, into Suzy’s breast, and she was crying ugly, sobbing, her eyes streaming, her nose beginning to run.

Oh god. 

Was this going to be her?

No, she’d grieved before.

It had been like this, but it stopped.

Eventually.

But she was still crying, and Suzy was making soothing noises, rocking her, rubbing her back.

“It’s okay,” Suzy said. “It’s okay.”

Holly sighed, leaning against Suzy, catching her breath.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I don’t usually… you know, get this upset. About stuff. I don’t even know why I’m so upset, it’s not like this was a planned pregnancy or anything, I don’t know why I’m so devastated, it’s dumb.”

“Holly, it’s okay,” Suzy said, and her voice was quiet. “You can grieve. Even if it makes no sense.” 

“You think so?”

“Totally,” said Suzy. “Okay?”

“Okay.”

* * * 

Arin was shooting Holly a certain kind of Look, and Holly tried not to roll her eyes.

Dan must have told him.

Oh well.

Dan was allowed to tell his boyfriend great emotional upheavals. 

Although she couldn’t help being a little annoyed.

It was her life, her body.

But she would have told Arin anyway.

Dan’s face still lit up when he saw her on the couch, and he sat down next to her, wrapping an arm around her.

“Hi,” he said.

“Hi,” said Holly, and she leaned into him, her head on his shoulder.

“How are you?”

“Meh,” said Holly.

Dan stroked her back gently, with the backs of his fingers, his knuckles pressing gently into her sore back.

“I’m sorry about earlier,” said Dan. “I was… I was kind of insensitive. It wasn’t fair to you.”

“It’s okay,” Holly said, her voice quiet. “I know that you’re worried about that.”

“You’re important to me, okay? You’re more important than any baby we might have, or not have. I was… I was so scared.”

Dan was shaking.

“I’m sorry for scaring you,” Holly said.

“No. No, don’t be sorry for that, okay? That wasn’t your fault.”

“... okay,” said Holly, and she sighed, wrapping her arms around his middle.

“... are we going to be okay?”

Dan’s voice cracked.

He hadn’t really grieved for someone before, not seriously. 

“We’ll be okay,” said Holly. “It’ll just take time.”

“You sure?”

“I’m sure.”

“... okay,” said Dan. 

“It might take some time for… for me to be okay, but us - you and me, you and me and Ross… we’re gonna be okay.”

He kissed her on the temple, and she leaned into him, relaxing into the comfort of him. 

He was warm and long and lanky, his wiry arms wrapped around her, his head on her shoulder. 

* * * 

Life went on.

Holly moved around in a daze.

She stopped bleeding.

She finished her round of painkillers.

She played music with Dan and Wren when the two of them jammed out, she made videos and she streamed with the Waffle crew.

She spent a lot of time with the pigeons, she read a lot of books.

She held her grief in the palm of her hand, and she let it sink into her skin, until it was a piece of herself, a solid piece of sand that would some day be turned into a pearl.

It… hurt, but she kept living, and she kept going.

She stopped crying after a week or so. 

She stopped flinching when she saw a baby, but some small part of her was still empty on the inside.

She slept a lot.

Ross got quiet, and he got more clingy - he held tightly to her hands, he hugged her extra tight. He sent her messages throughout the day, left her little doodles in her lunch or next to the pigeon loft.

There were unsaid words on the tip of everyone’s tongue, and Holly caught Dan giving her… looks sometimes. 

There was something complicated going on in the back of his mind - she could see it sometimes. 

She was afraid of what it was that he was thinking.

She was afraid to see her own thoughts reflected back at herself. 

* * * 

When it had been three months, Arin gifted her with a big bottle of whiskey.

Well, more specifically, he gifted it to Ross, but Ross didn’t like drinking solo, so he left it out on the counter, and he kept it there for a few days.

Until they had a tough day.

* * *

Wren was, altogether, a good kid.

Holly loved her daughter more than her own bones, but… Wren could be trying sometimes.

She had Ross’s trollish nature on occasion, and Holly’s stubbornness, to say nothing of Dan’s ability to say the exact wrong thing at the exact wrong time.

So sometimes days were spent arguing back and forth about things like “No, you cannot wear a bathing suit to drumming practice” and “we need to take baths in order to not stink, that doesn’t mean flood the bathroom,” and “I know you think you hate me right now because I told you to go to bed, but really, go to bed.” 

By the end of the day, with Wren in bed for good and Holly was exhausted and headachey, the whiskey was looking good.

And it had been… a rough few months.

So fuck it.

Holly sat at the kitchen table, and she poured herself a shot.

Dan, who had been getting himself a glass of water, raised an eyebrow.

“We’re doing that tonight? Are you sure that’s a good idea, in your… condition?” 

His tone was mildly disapproving.

“I’m not pregnant,” Holly said, and it was the first time she’d said “pregnant” since the miscarriage.

Dan… flinched.

“Well, I know,” said Dan. “I feel like I’d know if you were pregnant.”

Holly laughed, hard and long, and maybe there was a seed of nastiness in it, but she had lost a chunk of whatever it was that kept her calm and precise and empathic.

She took another shot.

There was an owl cut into her shot glass. 

“We didn’t know the last time,” Holly said, and then there was another shot.

Her chest was beginning to burn. 

“That was a low blow,” Dan said. 

“So take a shot. You’ll stop caring.”

“I don’t want to stop caring,” Dan said, and his voice shook. “That might have been… that might have been our baby.”

“But it wasn’t,” Holly said. 

“But it could have been.”

“But it wasn’t.”

“What wasn’t?”

Ross, looking slightly foggy, wandered into the kitchen.

Orph was in his arms, purring. 

“It wasn’t a baby,” said Holly. “For all I know, we might not have kept it.”

“You really think we wouldn’t have?” 

Ross sat down on the chair next to her, and he grabbed the bottle, drank straight from it.

Holly rolled her eyes.

Show off. 

“That can’t be healthy,” said Dan.

“Well, we can’t all be healthy like you,” said Holly. 

“Evidently,” said Dan, his voice flat. 

Holly gave him a look.

“What do you want from me?” 

She took another shot, and then she stood up, walking towards him.

They were nose to nose, chest to chest, and she was panting, glaring at him.

“You’re my wife,” Dan said, his tone flat. “You’re my wife. I want to make you happy. I want you to be happy.”

“If you wanted to be happy, you’d stop looking at me like you were afraid that I’m gonna drop dead, or… something.”

“I can’t help it!”

They were nose to nose, and they were shouting. 

When had that happened?

“You can fucking try!”

Her hands were balled into fists, and she wanted to punch him.

She staggered, and he grabbed her arms to keep her from falling over. 

“You think it’s my fault,” Holly said roughly. “You think it’s my fault that I had the miscarriage.” 

“I don’t think it’s your fault that you had the miscarriage,” Dan said, and he was speaking right into her face.

Her breath was right in his face, and he wrinkled his nose.

She didn't care right now.

“It’s my fault,” Dan said. “If we hadn’t had sex the night before, then maybe -”

“That had nothing to do with it,” Holly said flatly. “It was just… my body rejecting it. That happens. Spontaneous abortion is a thing that just happens. And it sucks, and I hate it, and -”

“It might have been mine,” Ross said, from the table.

They both turned to look at him. 

He was sitting there, stone faced.

“I know you guys are having your great love for the ages,” Ross said, “but that might have been my baby. I mean, honestly, it’s too late now. But… you know.”

“Right,” said Holly, and a stone was falling down her throat, to plunge into her stomach.

She sagged against the counter, and she took a deep breath, then went to sit in Ross’s lap.

“I’m sorry,” she told Ross, and she pressed her forehead against his, staring into his blue eyes. “I haven’t been thinking about you. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Ross said, and his hands were on her hips. “I mean it. And I mean… you’re the one who had to go to the hospital. I’m not gonna make it all about me.”

“Are you saying that I’m making it all about me?”

Dan sounded hurt.

“Dan,” Holly said, “you’re way too sober for this discussion.” 

“You know what?” Dan walked over to the table, grabbing the bottle and drinking from it, swigging from it like it was a bottle of water.

Well, he took three pulls, then he pulled back and coughed. 

He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, catching his breath, and then he coughed. 

“Well,” said Dan, “if it was a boy, we could have named him Phoenix.”

Holly burst out laughing, and she came off of Ross’s lap, and then she went to sit on a chair. 

“Phoenix?” 

Ross was cackling now.

“What’s wrong with Phoenix?”

“It’s a stupid fucking name,” said Holly. 

“I dunno,” said Ross. “I’m sure we could think of some dumber ones.”

“Dumber than Phoenix?”

“That would’ve been my son’s name,” Dan said indignantly. 

“We don’t know if it would have been a boy,” said Holly. “It’s just so much medical waste rotting away in a landfill, anyway.”

Dan’s face fell, and even Ross looked a bit… taken aback.

“Listen,” Holly said, and she grabbed for the bottle, taking another shot. “Listen. They had to put a… a thing inside of me, a tube, to get it all out. It would have rotted in me otherwise.”

“It wasn’t an it. It could have been a he.”

“Enough with the “could have,” already,” Holly said, and she took another shot. 

Everything was spinning. 

“Maybe I want a son,” Dan said. 

He was grinning in spite of himself, it seemed.

He was probably drunk.

He was a cheerful drunk.

“I want another baby,” Dan said.

“No duh,” said Ross, and now he took his own shot. 

“What do you mean, no duh?”

Dan was giving Ross a Look.

“Every time we go by a baby, you shoot Holly the big doe eyes, and you were pretty obviously devastated with the miscarriage -”

“We were all devastated,” said Holly. 

“I think he was the most devastated,” said Ross.

“They had to put a -”

“Yes, I know,” Ross said quickly. “Emotionally devastated. Not physically.” 

“Right,” said Dan. 

“So,” said Holly. “Another baby. Do we have the money?”

“Totally,” Dan said. “We’re a three salary household.”

“Do we have the _room_.”

“We’d have to reshuffle,” Ross said, and he groaned.

“Not for a few years, we wouldn’t,” said Dan. “The baby is gonna live in our room for a while. At least until it’s older. I remember how it was with Wren.”

“I don’t know if I’m ready to have a baby,” Holly said. “What if I miscarry this one?”

“Then we’ll try again,” Dan said, and he was beginning to perk up.

“Who is this we, exactly?” More rage was boiling over, as sudden as a bolt of lightning. “Are you gonna be the one who’s gonna hemorrhage?” 

It seemed to be closer to the surface than usual. 

Maybe it was all the alcohol.

“She’s got a point,” said Ross. “Maybe I want a go.”

“At what, bleeding out?”

“No, at… you know. Trying. Making a baby.”

“What am I, a fucking carnival ride?”

Another shot.

“How drunk are you trying to get, Holly?”

“So drunk I can have this conversation without wanting to hit you with a bottle,” said Holly.

“Why would you want to hit me in the head with a bottle?”

“Because you’ve made _my_ traumatic bodily experience all about your feelings,” said Holly.

“It’s not just all about my feelings,” said Dan. “I’ve been trying to do my best to make you happy, you know? I don’t want you to feel bad.”

“Dan,” Holly said, as if she was talking to someone very dumb, because at present she felt like she was, “I am going to use small words here, okay? I am going to feel bad. Even if you took out the… complicated emotions to do with all of this, my body is still recovering. Okay?”

“Okay,” said Dan. 

“I know it’s my fault that it happened,” Holly said, staring at the table. “There’s something wrong with me. Maybe Wren was a lucky break. Maybe I can’t have any more kids, so Wren was my last one, so maybe in the strange alternate universe where I know if I want to have another baby or not I can’t have one anyway, so what’s the point of all the fuss?” 

“You could get tested,” said Dan. “We could all get tested. Make sure there’s nothing wrong with us.”

“It’s not your fault,” added Ross.

“It’s not?”

“It’s your body,” said Dan. “Sometimes it does bullshit. It’s not your fault.” 

“I could have… eaten more vegetables or something,” Holly said, deflated.

“You’re a vegetarian,” said Ross. “How many more vegetables can you eat?”

“... I don’t know,” said Holly, and she covered her eyes with both hands, then she sighed. 

“It’s okay,” said Ross, and he reached out to pat her hand.

Dan reached over as well, squeezing her fingers.

“I’m sorry,” she told Dan thickly. “I’m sorry I was… I was cruel.”

“Thank you,” said Dan. “I’m sorry I made this about me. And… Ross, I’m sorry for… excluding you.”

“It’s okay,” said Ross, and he smiled crookedly. “But we should totally have another baby.”

“Let me… let me think about it,” said Holly tiredly. 

Another baby.

Her body changing again.

All of that… oh god.

That was a terrifying idea.

But… there was some longing.

Some complicated painful longing.

“If we’re gonna try for another baby,” Ross said, his voice far off, “I want to… I want to help. To try.” 

“I bet Arin is gonna want in on it too,” Holly said, her voice tired.

“Would Suzy be okay with it?”

“It’d take the pressure off of her,” Holly said.

She reached for the bottle, and found it nearly empty.

She finished it, and then she flopped back against the chair.

“Okay,” Dan said slowly. “Okay. So you’re gonna seriously consider another kid.”

“Yes,” said Holly. 

“Why?”

“Because we’ve got a limited window,” Holly said, “and you apparently want it so badly. And… because maybe I want another one. I don’t know. I didn’t know if I really wanted Wren, initially, and now look where we are.”

“No,” said Dan. “No.”

“No?” 

Holly blinked owlishly at Dan. 

“Weren’t you the one who was all gung ho about all of this?”

“Yeah,” said Dan. “But… but if we’re going to make another person, we have to make sure that you want them.”

“What if I never know one hundred percent?” 

“Then we’ll be a single child household and hope for grand babies,” said Dan. 

“... okay,” said Holly. “Is there any more alcohol?”

“I’m cutting you off,” said Dan.

“I don’t want to,” said Holly. 

“Consider us exercising our husbandly rights,” said Ross, and he stood up.

He was only wobbling a little bit.

“Wouldn’t that involve you guys, like, fucking me?”

“Darling, as wonderful as you are,” said Dan, “I am pretty sure you’ve got the pussy havers version of whiskey dick right now.”

Holly stuck her tongue out at him, and the three of them made their way towards their bedrooms.

“Hold on,” said Holly, quietly, as they paused in front of Wren’s bedroom. 

“Mmm?”

Holly practically tiptoed her way into Wren’s room, and then she sat down on the floor, looking at Wren. 

Dan and Ross were in the doorway.

Wren blinked awake, staring at Holly with her luminous green eyes.

“Mama?”

“Hi, birby,” Holly said quietly. 

“I’m sorry I was bad,” Wren said. 

“It’s okay,” Holly said. “We’ve all been having a hard time of things. I love you Wren, okay?”

“I love you too, Mama,” Wren said. 

Holly kissed Wren on the forehead.

“Mama, your smell funny.” 

“Yeah, I know,” said Holly. “I’m going to bed now, but I want you to know that I love you, okay?” 

“Okay,” Wren said, and then she was curling up again. 

Holly stood up, carefully, and then she made her way back to her bedroom.

She skipped the bed, went straight to the bathroom, and threw up gloriously.

Dan, the most sober amongst them, grabbed her hair to keep it out of her life.

“You drank a lot,” he told her. 

“A lot…,” she mumbled, and then she was throwing up some more, before sagging back against him. 

“Bed?”

“Teeth. Then bed.”

“Good plan.”

* * *

Holly was woken up by light on her face.

Too much light on her face.

She was _then_ woken up by Wren climbing into bed with her, sitting on her mother’s belly.

Holly blinked over at Wren.

‘Why are you in here?”

“Because you didn't come to wake me up,” said Wren.

“I’m sorry, birby,” said Holly, and she reached up to tuck a piece of Wren’s wild hair behind her ear.

Dan, between Holly and Ross, sat up. 

“My head hurts,” Ross groaned.

“It’s your own fault,” said Dan, and he sat up, as Wren moved to sit in his lap. “Hi, birby. Sorry about all of that.” 

“It’s okay,” said Wren, and she snuggled in, holding on to Dan’s shirt. “In class today we’re talking about emotions.”

“Yeah? What kind of emotions?”

“Are emotions like moving but for iPhones?”

“Then they’d be iMotions,” said Ross, and he sat up completely, rubbing his eyes.

He wasn’t wearing a shirt, and Wren reached out to hold on to his hair, like she had when she was very small.

Ross winced, and moved her hand to his hand. 

Holly sat up herself, rubbing her eyes. 

“My head hurts,” Holly groaned as well.

Wren shot Holly a worried look. 

“Mama, are you sick again?”

She was wrapped up in Dan’s arms, in Ross’s, and then she was climbing into Holly’s lap, and Holly rested her hand on Wren’s belly, which was soft and pliable, her skin pale where her shirt rose up. 

“I’m not sick,” Holly said. “I’m… I hope I’m not sick like I was a few months ago.”

“That was scary,” Wren said quietly.

“It was,” Holly agreed. “I’m sorry I scared you.” 

“Thank you for apologizing,” Wren said, a perfect imitation of her mother\, and she gave Holly a loud, wet kiss on the cheek. 

Holly resisted the urge to make a face - she ruffled Wren’s hair.

“Go downstairs and get yourself some cereal,” she told Wren. “Me and your dads are gonna get ready.”

“Okay!”

* * *

Wren scampered out, with all the subtlety of a herd of elephants, and the three of them sat in the awkward silence.

“I was a cunt last night,” Holly said.

“... really,” Dan said, and he gave her a Look.

“She’s right,” said Ross. “You were a cunt,” he told Holly.

“I was… I was cruel,” said Holly. 

“You were,” said Dan, “but I forgive you.”

“Me too,” said Ross, and he kissed her.

She kissed him back, and he made a face. 

“Your breath is _horrible_ ,” he informed her.

“If it smells as bad as my head hurts, it must be pretty bad,” said Holly. “I’m getting the first shower.”

“I’m gonna catch a few more winks,” said Ross, and he cuddled down into the blankets.

Dan wrapped his arms around Ross, tucking his chin on top of Ross’s, and Holly looked at the two of them.

Something in her heart… swelled.

Some tear was finally mended, and she was beginning to feel something like herself again. 

She didn’t realize that this piece of herself had been missing, but now it was back, leaving her something like herself again. 

… huh.

And then the day just… happened, and Wren was at school, Holly was working on her projects as always, Dan and Ross had their own work.

At the end of the day, Holly took Wren to the park.

It was by the sharks, and then Dan and Ross were here as well, and it was like that lovely day, all those months ago.

Wren was laughing and running, and Dan was chasing her, and Ross was chasing her too, and then Holly was getting up again, and she was running, laughing so hard that she couldn’t breathe.

Wren ran straight into Holly’s knees, and Holly landed flat on her butt, laughing harder, beginning to tickle her daughter, and she kissed all over Wren’s face.

“I love you,” she told her daughter, as Wren cackled, cuddling closer. 

“Maaammaaaaa, are eMotions like sent through email?”

Holly kissed Wren loudly on the cheek, and the two of them leaned back against the trunk of the tree they were sitting under. 

A woman was walking by, with a baby in her arms, and Holly grinned.

“I remember when you were that small,” Holly said, right in Wren’s ear, as Wren watched as well. “You were small enough that I could hold you in both arms.”

“You can still hold me in both arms,” Wren pointed out.

“Well, yes,” sadi Holly, “but you were so small I could hold you with one arm!”

“And then I got bigger?”

“And then you got bigger.”

“How much bigger am I gonna get?”

“I have no idea,” Holly said, as Dan flopped down next to her, panting. 

Ross was on Dan’s other side, and he looked winded, but pleased with himself.

“You’re gonna take after Abba,” said Ross.

“What if I wanna take after you?”

Ross’s face went sweet and soft.

“You can do your best,” said Ross. “I’m sure you’ll get some of me.”

“I want some of everyone,” Wren said earnestly, and Holly began to cackle at that, kissing her daughter’s face again. 

“And hopefully you’ll get it,” Holly said.

“I will!”

“I believe you,” said Dan. 

* * *

They went home, eventually . 

Wren went straight to her drum set, and worked on some complicated beat that wormed its way through Holly's head, as she fed the animals, then began to make dinner. 

It was almost like a counterpoint to her own heartbeat. 

Whatever resolve was in the back of her mind stiffened, and she sighed with something like relief and something like terror. 

* * *

“I'm gonna do it,” said Holly. 

“Do what?”

Holly, Dan, and Ross were on the couch. 

Wren was asleep - or at least, she was quiet in her room with the lights out, which was good enough for Holly. 

“Let’s have another baby,” Holly said.

Dan’s face lit up. 

Ross looked… she couldn’t tell what Ross’s face was doing, honestly.

“Do you really want another baby?”

“I think… I think that I do,” said Holly. “We did a good job with Wren, I like to think, and....” She shrugged, looking down. “I love you both. And if I’m going to raise another kid, I wouldn’t want to do it with anyone else.” 

“What about Arin? You mentioned having a baby with Arin.” 

“... it’s a possibility. If you would be alright with that.” 

Holly stared down at her hands.

“Why?”

“Well,” said Holly, “I’ve made my life with both of you, but he’s a big part of it to. Him and Suzy.”

It was true - when Wren was two, they’d all drawn up their wills, who was in charge of Wren if anything happened to any of them… and Arin and Suzy was first on the list.

Dan and Ross nodded.

“I love him,” she said quietly. “Maybe not the same way I love you guys, but… I want to try it. Okay?”

“Okay,” said Ross, and he squeezed her fingers.

Dan leaned forward, and he kissed her, slow and soft.

“So are we gonna start with the baby making?”

He was trying to pitch his voice low, the way he always did when he was trying to be sexy.

“If… if we want to do this right,” Holly said, “we should… you know. Get things tested first. See when i’m the most fertile. Maybe… maybe talk to the doctor about the chances of me having another miscarriage. Have you guys tested for things.”

“You really are taking this seriously,” Dan said, as his eyebrows went up. 

“That’s Holly for you,’ said Ross, and he was grinning. “I foresee a lot of calendars and jizzing into jars in our futures.” 

“At least you guys won’t have to pee on sticks,” said Holly, her voice gloomy.

“We can do it,” said Dan, and he kissed her again. “We can all do it. Okay?”

“Okay,” said Holly, and she sighed. “Sorry. I just… I just don’t want things to go bad again. I don’t want to ever go through that again.”

“Understandable,” said Dan. 

“For you, my dear, I will jizz in all the vials,” said Ross, and he kissed the back of her hand.

She smiled at him in spite of herself.

Then she paused.

“... how am I gonna tell Arin?”

“You should tell him and Suzy at the same time,” said Dan. “That’ll make them feel more included, I think.”

“Right,” said Holly.

She sighed, and she cuddled up between them, leaning into their combined arms and resting her chin on her knees, which she had pulled up to her chin. 

* * *

Holly arranged a date with Suzy and Arin.

They did that sometimes - they had threeway dates, and since their disastrous threeway when she had been pregnant with Wren, things had been going pretty well.

But now, here she was, fiddling with the hem of her sweater and frowning at herself in the mirror.

Wren was sitting on the bed, watching as her mother got ready. 

“So it’s me and Abba and Daddy tonight?”

“Yep,” said Holly.

“Because you’re going out with Uncle Arin and Aunt Suzy?”

“Yep!”

“Why?”

“Well,” said Holly, “I love them, and sometimes I want to spend time with just them. The same way sometimes Abba and Uncle Arin go out together, or Daddy and Morgan.”

Wren nodded, taking all of that in.

Holly sat next to Wren on the bed, wrapping an arm around her daughter, as Wren cuddled into her mother’s side, her nose pressed into Holly’s neck.

“You smell different,” Wren said, and she reached up to fiddle with the little bird necklace that Dan had gotten her, all those years ago.

Holly squeezed Wren’s fingers, and kissed them. 

“I’m wearing perfume,” said Holly. 

“Why?”

“Because Aunt Suzy likes it when I smell pretty,” said Holly, and she kissed Wren loudly on the cheek. “Why have you got so many questions, hmm?”

“Abba and Daddy are cooking,” said Wren. “They said to not be underfoot.”

“Yeah, that makes sense,” said Holly, and she ruffled Wren’s hair. “I’ll be home late tonight, probably.”

“Gimme a kiss when you come home?”

“Okay, sweetheart,” said Holly, and then Dan was sticking his head around the door. 

“Arin’s at the door,” he said, and he leaned down, picking up Wren. “You ready for a night of craziness?”

“What kinda craziness?”

Wren was cackling, as Dan bounced her, and she grabbed at his hair, holding on to it the same way she had when she was a baby.

“Welllll,” said Dan, “we’re gonna eat dinner, and watch a movie, and if you’re _really_ good maybe we can break into that chocolate ice cream….”

“Ice cream!” Wren squealed.

Holly grinned, and she walked over to her husband, kissing him.

“I’d better not keep Arin waiting,” she said. “He’s down there with Ross.”

“I’d better check on them before the house blows up,” Holly said, and she made her way downstairs.

* * *

They took her to a fancy restaurant.

Part of it might have been them treating her - she’d been… well, on edge, since the miscarriage, and everyone around her seemed to be walking on eggshells.

She got it. 

It was exhausting, though.

She was so tired of this. 

So fuck it. 

She took a big swig of her wine, and she looked at the two of them, who were looking at her with a mix of concern and fondness.

“So,” Holly said, after an awkward pause, “I think we’re about to have an awkward conversation.”

“We are?”

“Oh yeah,” said Holly, and she took another swig of wine, because she’d been taking a break from the alcohol, and it was nice to have a chance to indulge in a way that wouldn’t leave her head splitting like the whiskey had.

It was good wine, too.

“So me, Dan, and Ross were talking about having another baby,” said Holly. 

Suzy and Arin both stared at her.

“Another baby?”

“Yeah,” said Holly. “Because after the… after the miscarriage, we did some talking, and you know… just… planning. Stuff.”

“Oh,” said Suzy. “So you want it to be a thing? I mean, you and Ross are trying this time maybe?”

“... about that,” said Holly, and she looked over at Suzy. 

Suzy who was just… looking at her, with an unreadable expression. 

“How would you feel about having a baby with you guys?” 

“What?”

“A baby,” said Holly. “I was wondering… I was wondering if maybe you guys would be okay with… helping.”

“Helping?” 

“If Arin would be interested in putting a baby in me. And Suzy… would be part of its life as well. Obviously. But I obviously need both of your permission before I do anything.”

“Yes,” said Arin, without any hesitation.

“I’m sorry, what?” 

Suzy sounded shocked.

“You’re both in my life,” said Holly. “And… and I want you both to be in my life, for the rest of my life. I want you both to be… to be involved in the lives of my children. However you’d like that to work out.”

“... oh,” said Suzy. 

“I want you to be there, when I do it, when it happens. I want you to… I want you to be in my life, In their lives. And… and one of the ways of doing that is for you to have a baby with me. Although it would obviously be raised by me and Ross and Dan, because… well, it’s our home. But… but I mean, um, if you were… if you were interested….”

Holly trailed off.

“Oh,” said Suzy. “Um.”

“Sorry,” said Holly.

“No, no,” said Suzy quickly, and she took Holly’s hand, squeezing her fingers. “No, it’s okay. Okay?”

“.. okay,” said Holly, and she sighed.

“Are Ross and Dan okay with this?”

“Yeah,” said Holly. “Obviously. For obvious reasons, even.”

She sighed, and she put her elbows on the table, putting her face in her hands. 

“I could have done this better,” Holly said.

“At least you’re not asking us on a teleprompter or something,” said Suzy, and she was grinning.

Arin was still sitting there, looking shell shocked.

“Arin?”

Holly peeked out from between her fingers.

“I’m good,” Arin said thickly. “Let me just, uh… let me think on it. And talk with Suzy, obviously. And Dan and Ross.”

“Obviously,” said Holly. 

And they all looked across from each other, everyone nervous, everyone trying to read the room.

* * * 

Holly came home to her husbands on the couch, hypnotized by some dumb action movie.

“How was your date?”

“Hold on a sec,” Holly said, and she made her way upstairs, tiptoeing into Wren’s room, bending down to kiss her daughter’s head.

Wren rolled over in her sleep, reaching out for Holly.

Holly kissed her again, and Wren’s eyes fluttered opened.

“Mama?”

“I’m home now,” said Holly. “You can sleep, okay?”

“‘Kay,” Wren mumbled, her eyes drifting closed agan.

* * *

Holly changed out of her dress, washed her face.

All that remained was a subtle waft of perfume, and then she was sitting on the couch, between the two boys.

They both put an arm around her shoulders, and she sighed, putting her feet up on the coffee table. 

They were a lot smaller than the other two pairs of feet on either side of hers.

“So what did they say?”

“They’re gonna think on it,” said Holly. 

“You get any hot sexings in?” 

Ross’s tone was one of polite inquiry. 

Holly rolled her eyes.

“Nope,” she said. “They had a ton of stuff they needed to talk about.” 

“Right,” said Dan. “I looked into a few fertility clinics in the area, that are covered by our insurance.”

Holly shot him a look.

“Did you, now?”

Usually, Dan wasn’t one for making appointments like that.

“Yeah,” said Dan. “We could all three of us go in when Wren is in school, next week?”

“... sounds like a plan,” said Holly, although her heart was beating very fast.

They were going to do this. 

Holy shit. 

* * * 

Arin came over for dinner three nights later, by himself.

He clowned with Wren, running around in the backyard, until Wren was a sweaty, exhausted lump, nearly falling asleep at the table, and ate her dinner a little slower than usual, talking only at ten miles an hour versus fifty. 

She was snoring in front of the television by the time the grown ups started to talk about… certain topics.

“So you want me to help you make a baby,” said Arin, and he put his hands behind his head, leaning back in his chair. 

“I mean,” said Dan, “we want to give you an equal opportunity to make a baby.”

“And if you put the baby in me, your name is on the birth certificate.”

“Right,” said Arin. “Would I be expected provide financially?”

“Not unless we get _really_ stuck,” said Ross, “and we’d ask for help with that regardless.”

“Fair enough,” said Arin.

“But… before you do anything with that, we need to go to the doctor’s, get checked out for stuff.”

“Stuff?”

“Make sure you’re not carrying anything unpleasant in your genes, you know?”

“Right, right,” said Arin, and he leaned back in his chair.

It creaked.

“Are you… like, are you okay?”

Holly looked over at Arin with a worried expression.

She couldn’t read what his face was doing. 

“I’m… I’ve wanted to make a baby for a long time,” he said finally. “Suzy is okay with that. With us having it. I’m just… sorting it out in my head.”

“Okay,” said Holly. “If you don’t want it, that’s okay.”

“No, no, I want it,” said Arin. 

“.. there are gonna have to be some lifestyle changes,” Dan said. 

“Lifestyle changes?”

“Yeah,” said Dan. “I was reading up on it. We’d have to stop jerking off, eat a bunch of oysters and dark chocolate - “

“Not together, I hope.”

“What do oysters and dark chocolate have to do with anything?”

“They help with sperm production,” said Dan. 

Holly rolled her eyes. 

“I’m gonna leave that to you guys,” said Holly. “But we’ve got a doctor, we can all get checked out for stuff -”

“What kind of stuff?”

“I can see if I’m likely to have another miscarriage,” said Holly, “you guys can get sperm counts checked, get blood tests as well….”

“Fair enough,” said Arin. “Just gimme the doctor’s name.”

“Sounds good,” said Dan. “So when are we gonna be making with the actual baby making?”

“The doctor stuff first,” said Holly. “Then baby making.”

“Baby?” 

Wren was poking her head around the doorway. 

“Birdy, why were you listening at the door?”

Wren ignored Holly’s question, climbed into Arin’s lap, holding on to his shirt, leaning her head against his shoulder.

“Uncle Arin, tuck me in,” Wren told him, in that way that was endearing at four and would probably make everyone crazy at fourteen. 

“I’ll tuck you in, precious,” said Arin, “you go get ready?”

“Okay,” said Wren.

“Don’t forget to brush your teeth,” said Ross. “Including the back ones.”

“Yes, Daddy,” said Wren, and she dashed up the stairs like a herd of elephants. 

“You guys gonna be okay?”

“Yeah,” said Holly, and she stretched. “I should go out, check on the pigeons.”

“I’ll do dishes,” said Dan. 

“I’ll clean the living room,” said Ross.

They fell into their routines, and there was a comfort to that.

Holly sighed, and she went outside.

* * * 

Time went by.

There were doctor’s appointments, which were… unpleasant.

Holly went to the OBGYN, got blood drawn, put her feet up in the stirrups and suffered the various indignities that came with that.

Ross picked her up afterwards, bought her a brownie and let her complain.

He had a little bit of gauze taped to the inside of his elbow. 

“So now what?” 

“Now we wait,” said Holly. 

“I’m bad at waiting,” said Ross. 

“I know,” said Holly, and she smiled at him.

“But I’ll wait a million years if I have to.” 

She rolled her eyes.

“You’re not usually one for theatrics,” she told him, tangling their fingers together and squeezing them. 

“Let me have my ridiculousness sometimes,” said Ross, and he squeezed her fingers back.

“I guess I’ll go easy on you,” said Holly. “Since you got poked with a needle. But only for today.”

“I shall treasure it,” said Ross. “I promise.” 

* * * 

They got their results back, after a worrying, anxious week.

And they were… good to go.

Which led to something else.

“So when do we start?”

Dan was standing next to Holly, hip to hip, his fingers in her belt loop. 

“... I need to get an ovulation calendar,” Holly said, staring down at her phone. “And… one of those tester things.”

“I know,” said Dan, and he kissed her. “You ready?”

“Oh no,” Ross said, deadpan. “I’m going to have to repeatedly fuck my wife.”

Holly poked Ross in the ribs.

Ross made an indignant noise.

Holly cackled. 

“So when do we start?”

“When I’m the most fertile.”

“Which is....?”

“I need to get the kit first.”

“And thus begins your time of peeing on sticks,” said Dan. “You excited?”

“... no,” said Holly, “but I’m gonna do it anyway.” 

“That’s the spirit,” said Ross.

Holly rolled her eyes. 

* * * 

She peed on sticks.

She made notes on a calendar, as Dan and Ross made jokes and helped her keep her sanity.

The night before her most fertile day, they sat around the kitchen table once again, drinking cups of cocoa.

Holly was restricting her coffee intake.

She was already getting grumpy about this.

“So how are we gonna do this?”

“Each of us has a go, once a day?”

“I’ve got a date with Arin in two days,” said Holly, “so then he can have a go.”

“And we… just keep going ‘til you’re knocked up?”

“Pretty much,” said Holly.

“So daily sexings?” 

Dan was looking visibly excited.

“Something like that,” said Holly. 

“Bring it on,” said Ross.

He was grinning his obnoxious troll grin, because of course he was.

* * *

Holly was woken up by Dan’s lips on the back of her neck.

“Hi,” Dan said, right in her ear. “Wanna make a baby?”

“... you couldn’t have made that sexier?” 

She rolled over, putting her arm around his neck, her forehead against his.

He kissed her, long and slow and deep, his tongue probing her mouth, his big hands in her hair, and she sighed against his mouth, her whole body beginning to relax into the bed, against him.

They hadn’t been seriously intimate, beyond some awkward fumblings, since the miscarriage.

She was only now beginning to get comfortable in her skin again.

And oh, thank everything for her skin, as his finger tips stroked across it, as his hands spanned the width of her hips, squeezing them, then sliding his fingers under the fabric of her shorts. 

She shuddered, holding on to his shoulders, and he kissed her again.

“I wanna eat you out,” he said. “Please?”

“Are you sure? I know you haven’t jerked off in… like, a week,” said Holly. “You don’t just wanna get off?” 

“Hols,” said Dan, “we’ve been together for, what, six, seven years?” He kissed along her neck, then pushed her shirt down, so that her breasts were popping out of the neckline, nuzzling into her cleavage, then began kissing along her breast towards her nipple. 

“Mmmm?”

She rolled onto her back, and then Dan was on top of her, grinding his cock against her pussy, the both of them still in their pajamas, soaked fabric meeting soaked fabric. 

“Have I ever done that? Just gotten off?”

He was mouthing at her nipple now, then sucking on it, hard enough that she bucked her hips, her toes curling in the sheets, wriggling her hips. 

“Fuck!”

“That wasn’t an answer,” Dan said, his tone teasing.

“Well, okay, no, you’re right,” said Holly. 

“I’m not having baby making sex if I can’t get you off too,” said Dan. “I’m gonna eat you out and make you cum, and then I’m gonna fuck you so full of jizz that you’re guaranteed to get pregnant!”

“.. please don’t refer to anything involving me with “jizz” again, please,” said Holly. 

“Fair enough,” said Dan. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” said Holly, and she grinned a bit in spite of herself. 

Dan was Dan.

“So can I bring you to dizzying, orgasmic heights?”

“You can certainly try,” said Holly. 

“You’re in a cynical mood, huh?”

“Not necessarily,” Holly said thickly. 

She was… what was she feeling?

She wasn’t sure.

She tried to lose herself in her body - her body, which hadn’t been her body for a while, but now it was, and he was spreading her legs, kissing along her thighs. 

“You’re so warm,” Dan said. “God, you’re so warm, and you smell so _good_ , holy shit….”

"I'd smell better if I'd had a shower," Holly said, and she was flushing as he slid his fingers under the waistband of her shorts, pulling them down, and then she was bottomless. 

"Oh," said Dan, stroking between her legs. "It grew back."

"Hm?"

She got up on her elbows, looking over the curve of her belly at him.

"Your pubic hair," he said. "It grew back."

"Oh," said Holly.

She'd nearly forgotten that she'd shaved all of it off, after the miscarriage.

And a flood of... something came crashing down on her, and she was crying again.

Hard, heavy crying, and Dan was on top of her, holding her as she cried harder.

"Shhh," said Dan, and he cupped her cheek, thumbing away her tears as she kept crying.

"I'm... I'm sorry," Holly mumbled, and she sat up, which was awkward, because now his face was between her breasts, but he just rested his cheek on one of them, staring at her.

"What's wrong, pigeon?"

His voice was soft.

"I think... I think I'm afraid of having another miscarriage," she said quietly. "Especially... like, that one was a surprise. What happens if that happens again, with a baby that I _want_."

"If you're that afraid, we don't have to," Dan said. 

"No," said Holly, and she sighed. "... maybe I worry I'm being disrespectful to the idea of the first baby. Or maybe I'm just scared."

"I understand," Dan said. "I'm afraid as well."

"You are?"

"Oh yeah," said Dan. "I'm fucking terrified."

"... why?"

"I'm afraid... I'm afraid you'll have another miscarriage," said Dan, "and I'm afraid that it makes me a selfish jerk, because it's your body, but I'm also afraid of you hurting, I'm afraid of losing... well, like you said, losing a wanted baby. I'm afraid I won't love this baby as much as I love Wren, I'm afraid that I'll be a bad Abba to it -"

"You're a great Abba," Holly said, slightly scandalized in spite of herself. "Even Brian said you do it great!"

"But like... what if it's just for Wren? What if I'm a good dad to our one kid, but not to our other kid?"

"... that's really dumb," Holly said, and then she was giggling, her arms coming up to rest on his shoulders.

"I didn't say it was a rational fear," Dan said, and he sounded sheepish.

Holly kissed him, looping her legs around his, grinding her hips upwards.

Her slick smeared across the front of his pajama pants, and he sighed, his own hips pushing forward.

"Do you not want me to eat you out?"

"... I'm willing to try it," said Holly. "I'm sorry I freaked out about the hair thing."

"It's fine," said Dan. "I wasn't thinking when I said it."

He kissed her again, his hands going to her breasts, kneading them gently, thumbing her nipples, twisting them with the tips of his fingers. 

She shuddered and shook against him, panting, her mouth falling open against his.

He was chuckling, little puffs of air against her mouth, her upper lip.

She almost sobbed when he reached between them, finding her clit with one big thumb and rubbing along it with just enough force to make her thrash under him. 

"Oh," Holly said thickly.

She'd masturbated a few times - she'd rubbed one out the night they'd decided to have a baby, when she had Ross and Dan sleeping like the dead on the bed next to her.

But oh, she'd missed him.

He must have missed her too - he had been respectful, hadn't tried anything intimate with her.

She'd been afraid that he'd lost his attraction to her.

... it appeared that wasn't the case.

And now he was sliding his fingers into her, curving them, and she was sobbing again, her hands going to his hair, tangling her fingers in it and tugging on it.

Dan moaned, his mouth falling open, and he stared down at her, his expression misty, his breath in deep, gasping pants.

"You feel so good," Dan said. "God, fuck, I love your pussy."

She shuddered, and she spread her legs wider, as he kissed her again, crooking his fingers, pressing down on her g-spot with the very tips of his fingers.

He rolled her clit under his thumb like it was a worry stone, and she sobbed again, her hips hunching forward, her heels digging into his calves.

"C'mon, pigeon, cum for me, please...."

It didn't sound like an order.

It sounded like he was pleading with her.

"Please... I wanna cum with you in me," Holly said, unaware she was going to say it until she'd said it. "Please, I need... put your cock in me, please!"

... welp.

She was blushing from the obscenity of what was coming out of her mouth, but fuck it.

"Right," said Dan, and then he paused. "Let me just...." 

There was some rearranging, and he was sticking pillows under her butt, lifting her hips up, her head down.

It was awkward, but there was something endearing about the awkward.

And then he was shoving his pants down, and there was Excalibur, as familiar as her own body at this point.

But not her body, at the same time, and then he was sliding inside of her, and in a way it was like it was her body, as she flexed around him, and he was leaning down and kissing her, his hands on her breasts, his hips rolling, thrusting into her with just enough force that she had to brace herself not to slide off of her pillow.

"Oh," Holly said thickly, and she wrapped her thighs around him, grinding herself forward, as he reached between them, awkwardly, pressing down on her clit with his thumb again, and she shuddered around him.

Her face was in his neck, her arms around his shoulders, her hands digging into his back, and she was panting, sobbing, her back arching as he filled her, his skinny body on top of her softer one, his chest hair almost itchy against her breasts, his breath misty against her cheek.

"Oh, fuck, Hols... you feel so good, you're so wet, oh god, Hols, I can feel... you're about to... god, fuck, Hols, cum, please, please, oh _god_!"

She came around him.

She sobbed as she came, squeezing him tightly, and he shuddered on top of her, riding out her orgasm as he began to thrust faster, harder, and then she was limp under him, still shaking.

He kept thrusting inside of her, his cock beginning to swell, and she watched his face as he came.

It scrunched up and opened, brightness suffusing him for a moment, before he was flopping on top of her, his cock still firmly inside of her.

"So we should stay like this for like... five minutes," said Dan, panting into her neck.

"... right," said Holly. "So. Read any good books lately?"

Dan cackled into her skin, and she had to work not to wriggle, because... oh wow, was that ticklish.

He hadn't shaved, either, so his face was all bristly. 

She sighed, and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, as he lay on top of her, a warm, familiar weight.

* * *

It was weird to stand up and have his cum drip out of her, although there wasn't that much drip.

Usually, he was wearing a condom. 

That was a good sign, right?

... she wasn't going to read too far into it, she was going to take a shower, eat breakfast, and go along with her day.

She painted, she did her Waffle Crew stream, she got lunch with Ross.

She didn't feel any different. 

At least, she didn't think she did.

She'd been blissfully unaware through her first pregnancy, and her... second?

Did that even count as her second pregnancy?

This was complicated, and she sighed, looking at her painting.

At least she had a fun date with Arin coming up, and she had some fun plans with Ross tonight. 

They were going to be having sex three to four times a week, until she was pregnant.

It was slightly daunting to think about, but... well, they wanted a baby.

If they wanted a baby, they had to work for a baby. 

... her younger self would have been laughing very hard, just about now.

She was legitimately worried about having sweet, consensual loving sex with three different men who loved her.

Ah well.

What's the point of growing older, if not to scandalize our younger selves?

* * * 

Ross fucked her after dinner

Dan was entertaining Wren in the living room, as Holly and Ross "had a nap."

And Ross kissed her like they were the last human beings on earth, sitting on the bed together, his hands in her hair, her hands on his face.

When they broke apart, he was smiling at her, looking almost shy.

"It's been awhile since you let me jizz in you," he told her, his face full of utter sincerity.

"Gee, thanks," said Holly, making a face. "You sure made that sound appealing."

"I do my best," Ross said, and then he was kissing her again, his tongue in her mouth, and his hands were sliding down her body, to hold on to her hips.

He kissed along her neck, when they broke apart for breath, and his face was so different from Dan's - a lot less long, a lot less beaky in the nose department - and then she was on her back, as he carefully parted her legs, kissing up the insides of her thighs, pushing her skirt up.

She let him - she lay back, her butt almost off the edge of the bed, and she let him pull her panties down and off of her, then nuzzle between her legs. 

She sighed, bringing her legs up to rest on his shoulders, and then he was holding her open with two fingers, and he licked her clit, just the way she loved it.

She shuddered, holding on to his hair, wriggling her hips, rolling them up to meet his mouth, her hands in his hair.

It was soft and silky between her fingers, and her fingers dug into his scalp, her heels digging into his shoulder blades.

"Oh," Holly mumbled. "Oh, god, I... oh, Ross, oh fuck, Ross!"

He knew what to push, what to lick, what to kiss and what to bite.

He had her cumming across his face in no time, and when he pulled back, his face was damp with squirt and slick, and he was smirking.

"I can still make you cum, after all these years," said Ross, and he was smirking.

"Smug asshole," said Holly, reaching down to pat his face with one hand.

"Still love me?"

"Of course I love you," said Holly. "I am literally about to let you shoot me full of jizz."

"I thought you didn't want us to say jizz," said Ross, shoving his pants down and grabbing a pillow to shove under her butt. 

* * *

He came in her, and he made her cum again, with his fingers, with his cock, shuddering around his cock as it oozed more cum into her. 

His face was in her neck when he came, and he shuddered, his cock throbbing and twitching inside of her, as another wave of warmth and fluid slid into her. 

"Here's hoping," said Ross, and his expression was almost... wistful.

"You really want this baby," Holly said, and she sounded surprised even to her own ears. 

"Well, yeah," said Ross. "I... I love babies. I especially like us being parents. Us being parents and us making new babies. Possibly a baby that you and me make, or possibly you and Arin making a baby, or you and Dan making another baby."

Ross's cock twitched inside of her, and she squirmed.

"Did you know that rabbit semen turns to jelly?"

"... what?"

Ross stared up at her, wide eyed.

"Rabbit semen turns to jelly," Holly said. "It makes a mating plug."

"I thought we were having, you know, a moment. A nice romantic moment. Not... semen jelly talk."

"I think that semen jelly can be sexy," Holly said defensively. "We have to talk about _something_ while you're just... well, plugging me up. It might be easier if we had a mating plug, to keep the semen -"

"Holly," Ross said, and his face was buried in her neck, "Holly, if you make me start laughing we're gonna lose jizz and this will all be for naught."

"So you're not just... enjoying having sex with me?"

"If I wanna enjoy having sex with you, I'd probably not be sitting here with my dick in you for ten minutes," said Ross. "And I'd probably have you on top."

"Oh," said Holly, and she turned to the side, avoiding his gaze. "Sorry." 

Ross groaned, and pressed their foreheads together, kissing each other, soft, warm kisses, and he sighed into her mouth.

"I love you," Ross said, "and I promise, once you're actually pregnant, I will eat you out and I will let you ride me like a goddamn horse. Okay?"

"... okay," said Holly, and she sighed. "I'm sorry about all of this."

"All of what?" 

"The... not sexiness of this. The not fun."

"I mean, we're still all having orgasms," said Ross. "It's not the worst thing ever." 

Holly giggled in spite of herself, and he made a surprised noise. 

“You need to not laugh,” Ross told her. “It does things to your pussy.”

“It does things to my everything,” said Holly, as Ross sighed, nuzzling into her neck. 

“Maybe we’ll have a laughing baby,” said Ross.

“Another one?”

“Happy babies are a good thing,” said Ross.

“I mean,” said Holly, “Wren came out pretty normal, considering the fact that I was high as a kite on cough syrup when we conceived her.”

“... fair,” said Ross, and he grinned. “Maybe we should just repeat the winning formula?”

“... no,” said Holly. “Let’s wait to get a little more desperate, first.” 

“I guess it would be weird trying to have sex with you while you’re falling asleep on us,” Ross said, in a thoughtful tone of voice.

“... you had to make it creepy,” Holly said, wrinkling her nose.

“Sorry,” said Ross, and he kissed her. 

“I’ll find it in my heart to forgive you,” Holly said, kissing him back.

“Your heart or your pussy?”

He did something wriggly with his hips, and she cackled. 

He snickered as well, and rested his chin on her breast.

“I can move in about five minutes,” he told her.

“Great,” said Holly. “I can’t see the clock from this angle.”

“I knew you were keeping me around for something.”

Holly raised an eyebrow, looking down her body, to where they were joined together.

He rolled his eyes, and kissed her again.

* * * 

They went back downstairs, after a quick rinse, and found Wren and Dan singing back and forth at each other.

Holly had to pause, watching the two of them, as Ross bustled in, flopping down on the floor next to them, demanding they put on a new show.

She had a family.

How about that, huh?

* * *

Her date with Arin was… remarkably mellow, all things considered.

“Is there a chance, that, like… you might already be pregnant?” 

Holly shrugged.

“Theoretically, I guess? Probably not.”

“Do you know when we can test you for being pregnant?”

Holly raised an eyebrow.

“... sorry,” said Arin. “I’ve never done this before.”

“None of us have,” said Holly.

"It's kinda come full circle, though." 

They were sitting on the couch together, and he wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer, so that her head was resting on his chest, her ear against his chest.

His heart was beating fast and hard, and she sighed, cuddling into him.

He was so different from all her other lovers - so big, so sweaty, so strong - but it was... well, it was nice.

It was nice to feel small, and like she could be lifted and carried around. 

His sweater was slightly scratchy under her cheek.

"You were pregnant when we got together," said Arin, into the top of her head.

"And now you're trying to get me pregnant," Holly said. 

"Full circle, like I said," said Arin, and then he was... pulling her closer, pulling her into his lap, because he knew just how much she liked to be manhandled, and then she was straddling him, and they were kissing each other.

One of Arin's big hands was on the back of her head, threaded through her hair, tugging on it gently, and he was moaning into her mouth, squirming, rolling his hips.

His cock was hard already, pressing against her thigh through his jeans.

"I haven't gotten off in almost a week," Arin said, right up against her lips. "Like you said. I'm saving it all."

"I hope Suzy isn't gonna be mad at me," said Holly, her brow creasing up.

She hadn't even thought of that, when they'd been planning all of this.

"She's looking forward to it," said Arin. "To you getting pregnant, I mean."

"... really?"

Suzy had made vague affirmative noises about Holly getting pregnant, but Holly had suspected that a lot of it was related to Holly's own excitement, and not wanting to upset Holly. 

"Yeah," said Arin, resettling Holly in his lap, grabbing her ass under her skirt, so that he could squeeze it through her panties. "She knows how important it is to you. And... you know, I'm excited." He was blushing.

"Are you now?"

"Well," said Arin, and he cleared his throat, "well, I mean... I've talked about how excited I'd be to put a baby in someone. How I find the idea of making a baby really hot."

"Is that why you're so worked up?"

"I haven't had an orgasm in almost a week," Arin said. "Of course I'm worked up!"

Holly blushed, pressing her face into his neck, and he began to kiss along her neck and her shoulder, holding her ass in both hands, squeezing it tightly.

"God, you're so hot," Arin said, and his hands moved up, along her back, digging his fingers in just a little bit harder than necessary, no doubt remembering that she liked the bite of it. "I wanna make you cum. Can I make you cum?"

"I mean, you have in the past," said Holly, and she laughed, aware of how awkward she sounded.

It was like there was a massive elephant in the room, and she didn't know what to do about it.

She wished that Suzy was here, although that probably would have made things weird.

She wanted to see Suzy sooner rather than later.

It would be nice to be intimate with someone, without worrying about having to keep her hips in the air.

"How about you sit on my face," Arin said, in the same tone of voice that he had suggested they order Mexican food for dinner, "and then I can do my best to put a baby in you." 

She shivered.

Arin seemed the most gung ho about the whole "impregnation" thing.

Um.

She squirmed, and he shifted, his hands going to her breasts, holding them, then squeezing them. 

Was she into the idea of being impregnated? 

Or did she just want to have the baby already?

... she liked the fact that Arin was into the idea of getting her pregnant, which probably meant something, but she wasn't going to look too into it, as Arin's hands went to her hips, and then he was kissing her again, his mustache ticklish against her upper lip, his tongue familiar and foreign in her mouth.

"If you want to... if you want to make a baby," Holly said quietly, "we should probably do this in the bedroom."

"Oh yeah?"

"Well, if you want the... if you want the cum to stay in me, you have to have me on my back," Holly said. "With my hips propped up. Or my legs in the air, although nobody else has done that."

"I could totally have your legs up," said Arin. "C'mon."

He patted her hip for her to stand up, and then they were just... making their way to the bedroom.

* * * 

She sat on his face.

She didn't even take her skirt off, just kicked her panties off, and then she was lowering herself onto his face, and he was holding on to her ass, kneading it, and he was licking her, fucking her with his tongue as she ground her clit against his nose.

He seemed to have gained the ability to breathe through his eyebrows, because he was just... sucking and licking, as she shuddered and cupped her own breasts, pinching her nipples, then going back to holding on to Arin's hair. 

Her thighs were clenching around his head, and her hips were hunching as she leaned further forward, trying to catch her breath, trying to remember to breathe in the first place, and then she was cumming across his face in a gush, her whole body on edge, her mouth falling open as she panted and gasped her way through the orgasm.

Arin shoved her off of his face, so that she was sitting on his chest, and he grinned at her.

There was a pubic hair stuck to his nose, and she giggled, still panting, shucking her shirt off. 

"So... you said it's best if your hips are elevated?"

"Yeah," said Holly. "And... me on my back. Although there are a few other positions."

They'd been doing it in the one position so far, because that was the top recommended one.

Maybe they were gonna vary it up soon?

But Holly always enjoyed missionary with Arin - he was so much _bigger_ than her, and all that body on top of hers... well, it was exciting.

She was already primed to go, when he lay her back, and he hadn't even bothered to take his shirt off, which was a pity, except that he was shoving his jeans down around his thighs, and the head of his cock was rubbing against her thigh, then he was guiding it inside of her.

She gasped when he slid in, and he looked down at her, his hair hanging down around his face, tickling her face.

He was sweaty already, and then his chest was pressed into her chest, and he was grinning at her, his hands on either side of her head, his hips beginning to work. 

"I'm gonna fill you up," he said, right in her ear. "I'm gonna cum inside of you, I'm gonna shoot my load inside of you, and we're gonna make a baby. We're... we're gonna have a baby, Hols." 

The intensity in his brown eyes was almost too much for her to take, and she wrapped her arms around his neck, holding him closer, her hips rising up to meet his as he fucked her, his cock stretching her just the way she loved it.

He nuzzled into her chest, and he wrapped his mouth around her nipple, sucking on it, flickering his tongue along it, and she was sobbing, her pussy clenching around him, as his cock began to swell. 

And then he was... picking her hips up, and he was _getting on his knees_ , and now he was full on fucking her with enough force to push her forwards, and he was fucking her harder now, his face in her stomach, kissing it, nibbling it, and then he froze, his cock pumping inside of her as he came.

Her ass wasn't connecting with the bed, she was squeezing around him, milking him, and he was gasping, his breath ticklish on her stomach.

"Holy... fuck," Arin said thickly, and he kissed up her belly. "Fuck, Hols...."

"I know," Holly mumbled.

She was still on her back... sort of.

Her neck was gonna hurt. 

Oh well.

He held on to her hips, squeezing them and she looked up at him and smiled dazedly.

"When you're pregnant, I'll come see you any chance I can," he told her.

"Don't neglect your wife," Holly said.

"I won't, don't worry," said Arin.

Holly resisted the urge to roll his eyes - he and Suzy both had the bad habit of monofocusing on someone.

To the detriment of all of their other relationships.

"I'm gonna hold you to that, you know," she said, and she poked him in the side.

He made an indignant noise, and readjusted his hold, so that he was still inside of her, still holding her up.

"I wouldn't have it any other way," Arin said, and he was grinning at her like a goof.

Her heart melted, just a little.

How could it not?

* * * 

Two weeks later, Holly went to dinner with Suzy.

The two of them sat in an outdoor cafe, people watching.

"So do you think you're pregnant yet?"

Suzy looked as impeccable as ever, with her dark lipstick and flawless eyeliner.

"Everyone keeps asking me that," Holly said, and she tried not to sound too annoyed. 

She didn't want to just be a vessel to make a baby.

She wanted to be herself. 

"Sorry," said Suzy. "You've just been kinda... focused on it."

"I know," said Holly, and she reached out for Suzy's hand, squeezing her girlfriend's fingers. "I'm sorry. I feel like I'm leaving you out of all of this."

"There's not much that I can contribute," Suzy pointed out. "I mean, I can't knock you up, and that seems to be your main priority."

Holly's face fell.

She was actually... aware of it falling.

Wow. 

"... that was a low blow," said Suzy. "I'm sorry."

"Thank you for the apology," Holly said, looking down into the bread basket.

"... I've felt really distant from you since you had the miscarriage," Suzy said.

Holly glanced over to her, trying to keep her expression flat. 

"Because, okay," Suzy said, and she looked really anxious, "Arin really wants to have a baby. And I'm still not ready. And... and I know that a lot of the ways you're supposed to be a woman is to have a kid. And here you are, you not only had a baby, you _lost_ a baby, and I'm afraid of getting pregnant, I'm afraid of losing the baby if I got pregnant, and I'm afraid of giving birth, and then you went through all of that, and you're still... you're still Holly, you're still my girlfriend, but you're changing at the same time. I could never have imagined you having another baby, and now here you are, trying to conceive, and I can't really do anything, and I'm afraid we're gonna drift apart and you'll be too busy for me, and I also know I'm being selfish, and I should be trying to comfort you through your grief, but I don't know what to comfort you through, or what to say, so I've just been -" Suzy gave a big, gulping sob, and then pushed on gamely. "I'm afraid that you're... that you're gonna leave me behind. Or that you'll think I'm immature or something. I guess I'm afraid if you get pregnant by Arin, he'll love you more, but -"

"Suzy," Holly said, reaching out and patting Suzy's hand, "breathe."

"I am breathing," Suzy snapped, and then she was crying again, harder, big, ugly tears dripping down her face, leaving dark streaks down her face, as her mascara ran.

"Suzy," Holly said, "I don't think you're less mature. And... and it's okay to be afraid, okay? I don't think you're less grown up, or whatever. And... I won't be too busy for you. I promise. I might have time when I'm busy, but I'll always do my best to have time for you, as long as you're okay with time for you sometimes just being you coming over while I do laundry or paint."

Suzy nodded, still crying.

... this was just like the time that Suzy had pointed out all the flirting she had been doing, and Holly had admitted to being clueless.

"Arin's not gonna love me more just because he gets me pregnant," Holly said. "I'm... he loves me. But he loves you more, and you're the one who he's gonna spend his life with."

Suzy nodded, 

"And... I mean, I've had trouble relating to _myself_ since the miscarriage," Holly said. "And... I didn't even know I wanted another kid. But I'm having another one. And it's weird, and it's... it's uncomfortable, I don't entirely know how I feel about this, but I want to make another person with the people I love."

Suzy started sobbing again.

"You must think I'm the most selfish person in the wor-r-r-r-rld," she all but wailed, and Holly ended up sitting next to her, wrapping an arm around Suzy's middle and rubbing her back.

Holly was rolling her eyes internally - Suzy always got a bit worked up sometimes, especially when she'd been sitting on an emotion for a while.

"I don't," Holly said, in a soothing tone of voice. "I don't. I promise. Okay?"

"Okay," Suzy said, and she sighed.

Her nose was running, and Holly grabbed a tissue from her pocket, holding it up to Suzy's nose.

"Are you gonna be okay?"

Holly tried not to sound too nervous.

"Yeah," Suzy said, and she sighed. "I'm just... I didn't think I'd have this many feelings about _you_ doing things with _your_ body. I feel like some kind of creepy jerk or something. I dunno."

"Yeah, I understand," said Holly. "It's scary. Change is just... scary."

"Yeah," said Suzy, and she rested her head on Holly's shoulder, as Holly gave her a squeeze. "I'm sorry for just exploding at you like that."

"It's okay," said Holly.

"I must look horrible," Suzy said, and she blew her nose. 

"... little bit," Holly admitted.

"I'll be right back," said Suzy, and she leaned down, kissing Holly, then making her way back to the bathroom.

Holly went back to her seat, wiping her own face, and she leaned back into the seat, sighing. 

She glanced around the restaurant, but thankfully, nobody was paying any attention to them. 

Thank god for the self centeredness of the majority of LA natives.

She sighed again, as the waiter approached their table.

"A few more minutes, until my girlfriend gets out of the bathroom," she told him. 

She still got a little tingle in her chest whenever she said the word "girlfriend." 

She tore off a piece of the sourdough bread, and she took a healthy bite of it. 

It was all going to be okay.

It had to be.

* * * 

Holly's period came three days later

She cried in spite of herself, sitting her bathroom by herself, but after a few minutes, she wiped her face and got on with her day.

What else was she going to do?

* * *

Wren joined the Daisy Scouts.

Holly hadn't exactly expected that, but she was the right age, and Brian's daughter was all about it.

Wren would do _anything_ that Brian's daughter would do. 

She got a special little uniform, and somehow Dan ended up being drafted into being group leader.

He only got a sash, although he was still pretty cute in it.

Not as cute as Wren in her uniform, but few things are as cute as small children in uniforms. 

Holly, who had almost no patience for other people's children, was just grateful that she wasn't the one having to lead group meetings.

Dan was a natural at it, because of course he was.

But it left the house a little quieter sometimes, which was nice.

Once the new baby came around, there wasn't going to be much quiet. 

Holly spent quality time with Feathers, Pako, Honeybun, and the cats. 

She didn't want them to feel neglected, when the big shuffle happened.

* * *

"Do we still have the old attachable crib thing in the attic?"

Ross was lying flat on his side of the bed, staring at the ceiling, two thirds asleep.

"We should, yeah," said Holly. "Where's Dan?"

"Working on a song," said Ross. "He's got the new Starbomb album, remember?"

"Oh yeah," said Holly. "Didn't he already write the stuff for that one?"

"Yeah, and recorded most of it, but they're already planning the next one."

"Of course they are," said Holly, and she yawned, as the fairy lights made the shadows play across their room.

Orph was curled up next to her. 

"Will he come to bed soon?"

"Hopefully," said Ross, and he sighed, stretching. 

It was always like this, before they put an album out.

Dan always wanted to have a running start on the next project, whatever it might be. 

Dan, to his eternal credit, always made time for her, and made a point of being present when he was there.

But it was crunch time right now, so of course he had his head full of it.

She turned her light off, and she snuggled into the bed, her eyes drifting shut.

* * *

Summer went by.

Holly had more sex - enough sex that she managed to get a yeast infection, which was... fun.

It added to her belief that human bodies were badly put together.

She recovered, and celebrated recovery by getting fucked by Dan, Arin, and Ross at the same time, one after the other, until her vulva was tender and her legs wouldn't stop shaking from cumming so hard. 

She had three more periods, and each one felt like another taunt, that she was doing it wrong.

She went back to the doctor, and was told that she was fine, and to just relax.

Still.

The album was cut together, and Dan was making himself crazy as it slowly made its way towards production.

Wren had fun with the Daisy Scouts, and became an almost instant hit; the kid had more charisma than she knew what to do with.

Her drumming was getting better as well, and she practiced the way a zealot prays.

Holly was... a bit worried, but at the same time, you don't interfere with someone's passions, even when the someone was very young.

Holly hadn’t been quite so focused, but Wren tended to pursue everything that caught her interest with that same kind of single minded ferocity.

Holly’s parents had shamed her enough for her own devotion to the things that she loved, and she would never do that to her daughter. 

Autumn - or the facsimile that they called autumn in California - closed around them, and Suzy started planning a Halloween party.

"It'll be the week after the album drops," Suzy said, as she bustled around Holly's kitchen, as Wren colored at the table and Holly chopped vegetables. "So we can all celebrate, enjoy the chance to let our hair down."

"Don't you always have your hair down, aunt Suzy?" 

Wren looked up from her picture, and Holly cackled in spite of herself, covering her mouth with both hands, sitting next to Wren and ruffling Wren's hair.

"I've got a Daisy sleepover on Halloween! We're gonna be trick or treating, and then we're gonna watch scary movies!"

Wren was practically bouncing.

"Scary movies, huh?"

"Mrs. Baumgarten said that we can't watch Carrie," Wren added, and she was pouting.

"I know, honey," said Holly. "It's not fair."

"But we're gonna watch some other ones. Are you guys gonna be lonely, without me to help you trick or treat?"

"... I'm sure we'll find something to do," Holly said, avoiding eye contact with Suzy, because if she did, she'd start laughing again. 

"If you're sure," said Wren, wearing a concerned face.

Holly leaned over and kissed Wren on the forehead.

"Never change, babe," she told her daughter

"But what happens when I outgrow my clothes?"

Now it was Suzy's turn to start cackling.

Holly sighed.

The joy of the overly literal child.

* * * 

And then, out of nowhere, it was Halloween.

Other stuff had to happen. 

They did stuff. 

The album was released, Dan paced a hole into the floor, and fucked Holly with her legs over her head and her heels digging into his shoulders.

It was all beginning to feel a bit hopeless, but fuck it.

It was Halloween. 

And... Wren was standing in the front hall of the house, looking... well....

"Wow, honey," said Dan. "You sure are a really good...."

He made eye contact with Holly, who was adjusting her Strix wig in the hall mirror, and she mouthed "glitter bat' at him.

Dan, dressed as Danny Sexbang, made a confused face.

"What's your costume, precious?"

"Glitter bat!" Wren squealed, and she hugged him around a leg, getting her glitter all over him. 

Dan, to his credit, bent down and picked her up, bouncing her and kissing her with his own made up face.

Wren squealed again, and Dan bounced her again, kissing her again.

"Are you being rockstar Abba?"

Wren held on to Dan's hair with one hand, sucking the thumb of her other hand.

Dan tapped Wren's wrist, and Wren took her thumb out of her mouth, clutching the spandex at the front of Dan's costume.

"So," said Dan, "we're gonna drop Wren off at the Baumgarten's and have a short meeting, then I'll meet you guys at the Grump Space, and we can party like it's 1999."

"That was, like, a million years ago," Wren said brightly.

Ross, who was coming in, looking suspiciously... normal.

Apart from the makeup.

There was a _lot_ of makeup.

Hmm.

Ross had been keeping pretty quiet about his costume, which was making Holly suspect things.

"Can I come to party like it was a million years ago?"

"In a few years, munchkin," said Dan, and he kissed her loudly on the cheek. "Now... you got your candy bucket?"

"Yeah."

"Didja go to the bathroom?"

"Yeah."

"Got your shoes?"

"Yeah?"

"Got your pants?"

Wren shrieked with laughter, and Dan tickled her. 

"How could I forget my pants? Abba, you're silly!"

And another kiss, as the two of them walked outside. 

Holly watched them fondly, grinning in spite of herself.

"So," said Ross, coming up behind Holly and wrapping his arms around her waist, "ready to go have a debauched party?"

"Why are you so sure it's gonna be debauched?"

"Because Starbomb hit number one on the charts for comedy albums, and I think you, me, and Brian are the only ones who drink -"

"And I can't drink," Holly said, gloomy.

"Exactly," said Ross. "I bet there's gonna be at least one orgasm tonight."

"What do you bet?" 

"An orgasm," Ross said into her cheek, and he kissed her loud enough that her ear rang. 

Holly snorted, and bent down to put her shoes on.

* * *

The two of them arrived to a suitably spookified Grump space, to find Suzy, with facial hair drawn on her face, wearing... Arin's clothes?

"Hi, sweetie," said Suzy, and she leaned in, kissing Holly on the mouth.

Her face was free of makeup otherwise, and she looked adorable.

"Where's - holy shit."

Arin in Suzy's clothes was a bit more of a sight to see. 

It was a miniskirt.

An _especially_ miniskirt.

There was a lot of - shaved - leg on display.

Holly licked her lips, squeezing her thighs together, because... holy shit.

She looked Suzy up and down, noticed that there was... what looked like some padding around Suzy's crotch.

Huh.

"Where's your costume, Ross?"

"I need to finish changing," Ross said, making his way towards the bathroom. "I'll be right out."

"Right," Holly said thickly. 

"There's hummus," Suzy said sweetly.

"That's great," said Holly. 

Why was she so horny?

... well, okay, Suzy and Arin wearing each other's clothing was... especially sexy, but it was more than that.

Maybe it was the atmosphere - everyone was practically giddy.

Brian was dressed like Batman, standing by the punch bowl, looking as unflappable as ever.

... everything was taking on a slight surreal twist.

She wasn’t drunk or high or anything like that, but it was all… strange.

Who even knew she could get horny these days, considering just how much sex she was having, trying to have the baby. 

But fuck it.

She was at a party.

Her daughter was in someone else’s hands for the night (unless Wren got homesick), and Holly was going to enjoy the chance to cut loose.

* * * 

At some point, Holly ended up in the Grump room, sandwiched between Arin and Holly.

Something had to happen before that - joking, flirting, someone suggesting something or other. 

But now she was sitting in his lap, and he had his hand down the front of her dress, squeezing her breast, thumbing her nipple. 

“God, Hols,” Arin said, right in her ear, and he was panting. “Fuck, you feel so good….” 

And then Suzy was grabbing Holly by the hair (the wig had been taken off, in a bit of foresight, since she didn't want it to get all sweaty and mussed), and bent nearly in half, and she was kissing Holly as well, and it was odd, to kiss Suzy without any makeup, but Holly wasn't going to complain, because Arin was twisting her nipples and Suzy's tongue was in her mouth, and she was drowning between the two of them.

There was something so freeing about letting them take her, about letting them pass her between them.

She was kissed and fondled and held, she was groped and grabbed, and she eventually found her skirt up around her waist, her tights discarded, her panties dangling off one leg, as Suzy fingered her and Arin rubbed his cock between her thighs.

Other stuff had to have happened in the meantime - these things didn't just _happy_ , things happened between Point A (for already kissing) and point B (for bare assed in Arin's lap). 

But she was just... panting into Suzy's mouth, her breasts heaving and damp with sweat, and Arin was moaning into her ear, his own skirt up, his cock so thick between her legs.

"Wait," Arin said thickly. "Wait, we have to... if we're gonna do this, you should be in the right position -"

"Fuck it," Holly said, pulling back far enough to catch her breath. "We'll... we can forget about trying for the baby tonight."

"Do you want me to get condoms?"

"No," Holly said, and then Arin was making a satisfied noise, lifting her by the hips.

Holly whined, as Suzy's fingers were withdrawn, and then she squealed, as she was lowered down onto Arin's cock. 

"Fuck, baby," Suzy said, and she cupped Holly's face, looking down at her. "Baby, I'm so hard, please, can you...?"

Holly licked her lips, looking up at Suzy through her eyelashes.

"Do you want me to suck your cock?"

Holly kept eye contact with Suzy, licking her lips, and Suzy moaned like she was in pain, her own hands fumbling at her jeans, and then she was shoving them down, and there was Suzy's strap on, which Holly had more than a nodding acquaintance with.

Holly leaned forward, and she sucked on the head of Suzy's cock, her cheeks hollowing out, as Arin's hands came around, one to play with her breast, one to rub her clit. 

Holly shifted the dildo in her hand, so that it was rubbing against Suzy's clit, and Suzy moaned, her hands in Holly's hair.

There was something funny about this - the fact that here she was, in her trash wish costume, getting fucked like she was the hottest thing on legs.

How lucky she was, to live in a world where people wanted her, as herself. 

How lucky she was, with flesh pressing against her own, with silicone in her mouth, with a pair of lips on her neck and a pair of hands in her hair.

"God, Holly, you feel so good," Arin groaned, and his cock flexed inside of her. "God, I can't... get enough of you, fuck, I'm gonna cum, fuck, I missed this position, you feel so good, oh _godddddd_!"

He came inside of her, and then he was rubbing her clit harder, twisting her nipple, and Holly hooked her fingers under Suzy's harness, shoving it down so that she could get to Suzy's pussy directly, sucking on her clit.

Suzy like a firecracker, a short burst of shaking, her knees going weak, and she cupped Holly's face, leaning down and sliding her tongue into Holly's mouth, tasting herself, her skin warm and soft against Holly's.

Holly came on Arin's cock, and he almost sobbed, overstimulated but still holding on to her, and then she was slumping back against him.

Suzy flopped next to them on the couch, holding on to Holly's hand, and she was grinning.

"Fuck," Holly said thickly.

"Gimme a minute," Arin mumbled.

Holly snickered in spite of herself.

His cum was leaking out of her... and she didn't even care.

She wasn't going to worry about that tonight.

Tonight was going to be about having fun, not worrying about whether she was pregnant or not.

So she relaxed back into Arin, as he rested his chin on her shoulder, and Suzy cuddled up to her. 

It was nice to be herself - Holly, the person, not Holly the mom, Holly the YouTube personality, Holly the Dungeons and Dragons player, Holly the wife.

She was just someone that was loved by other people.

She hadn't realized just how much she needed that.

* * *

They came back to the party, sheepish, and there was some gentle ribbing.

It was forgotten pretty quickly, when they saw Ross.

"What the _fuck_ are you wearing?"

Arin was staring at Ross open mouthed, his eyes wide.

"What the fuck are you complaining about? You're the one wearing a dress," said Ross, crossing his arms across his chest.

He was wearing a corset and a garter belt, and more makeup than usual.

"You're dressed like -" 

"Doctor Frank from Rocky Horror," said Ross. "Yep."

"Why?"

"Because I wanted to see how you guys would react," said Ross, as if that was the most normal thing in the world.

"... fair enough," said Holly, and she wrapped her arms around him, and gave him a kiss.

He grinned, and kissed her back.

"Still trying to impregnate my wife?"

Arin, who had been taking a slug of punch, coughed, and Suzy wapped him on the back.

"No," said Suzy, her tone cheerful. "I was!"

"Good to know," said Ross. 

Holly groaned, covering her eyes with one hand.

She was glad she'd skipped the tiefling contacts this time - they added to the look of the thing, true, but Suzy had put the lights on dim, and it was nice not to walk into things.

She was still throbbing between the legs, almost light headed.

The atmosphere of the whole place was still verging on giddy, and now Arin was talking to Brian, who was blushing just a bit, but still talking. 

They were still awkward together - Brian always looked faintly shell shocked around Arin.

Holly suspected that he was counting his blessings.

A lot of people did that around Arin.

... maybe Arin and Dan would take the chance to mess around a bit.

They were both... chafing under some of the restrictions put in place, to help with conception.

It wasn't like Holly had actually put those restrictions in place - the both of them had set that up.

But Arin was flirting with Brian, and Brian was blushing, but looking interested.

It was that kind of night.

And then Dan was bringing out the Cards Against Humanity, and Holly joined in, being as gleefully horrible as everyone else was, because... well, what's the point of playing Cards Against Humanity, if not for the opportunity to be a horrible person? 

... well, not too horrible. 

Hopefully.

But Ross had a beer, and Holly kept stealing sips of it, and he kept giving her... looks, and then somehow Ross made some excuse, and somehow the both of them were in the bathroom together.

Holly was giddy - from the alcohol, from the joy that seemed to be suffusing the whole office, and then Holly was pressed against the door, and Ross was kissing her.

"God, you're so sexy," he mumbled. "I missed you being sexy."

"Ross," Holly said, right in his ear, as he shoved her skirt up, "you're literally sticking your dick in me every other day, for the past three months."

"Well, yeah," said Ross, as his hands slid up her legs, "but... that's a lot different." 

There was a pause. 

"Um," said Holly, "Arin already came in me." 

Ross paused. 

"Did you...."

"I mean, I peed afterwards," said Holly. "I'm not sure if it's entirely... as clean as it could be." 

"Well," said Ross, "I've never been against double dipping...."

He was grinding his crotch against hers, and she was lifting her leg up, and it was... funny in a weird way, panties on panties. 

... shit, she'd left her tights in the Grump room.

She'd have to do something about that. 

In a minute.

And Ross's face was between her breasts, mouth on her nipples, and he was flickering his tongue along the tip of it, then sucking on it, hard enough that it almost hurt, and oh, that was good, that was....

Holly shuddered, her hips wriggling. 

"Please," Holly said, Holly _begged_ , and god, who even knew that sex could feel this good again? 

She clutched at his shoulders, as he shoved her panties to the side, his long fingers sliding inside of her, his thumb on her clit. 

She sighed, her hips rolling forward, and he curled his finger, as her head tilted back, hitting her head on the wood.

People outside would know they were fucking.

Oh well.

And something damp and velvety was pressed against her thigh.

"You wanna?"

She grinned at him, in the blue and orange light, and he grinned back.

Her face was going to be covered in lipstick.

"Sure," she said. "Let's fuck. Let's have not baby making sex."

"This could theoretically make a baby," Ross said, as he slid home.

"Enough with making babies," Holly said, and she clenched around him as he bottomed out. "For about babies, just... fuck me. Please."

"I'll somehow find it in me to fuck my wife," Ross said, "without it providing us something."

"You're finding it in _me_ ," Holly giggled, as he drew his hips back, and Ross rolled his eyes and his hips in the same movement.

She shuddered, and she clenched around him again, as he moaned into her ear.

"God, I love you like this," he murmured. 

"Like what?"

"Just... wet and hot and ready for me," said Ross, and he was beginning to thrust.

It was precarious.

Thank god she hadn't worn heels, or this would have been even more awkward than it already was, but she was balancing - barely - as he slid in and out of her, carefully. 

He was helping her keep her balance, and he was kissing along her neck, and then he was kissing her face, and her mouth with his sweet, sweet mouth, and she was shuddering against him, the wet sounds filling the small room.

He came in her, deep, and hard enough that he went weak in the knees as he clung to her. 

"Oh, god, you feel so good," Ross said. "And after you're pregnant, I am _so_ gonna just...cum all over your belly. Waste all that baby batter."

Holly groaned, and she squirmed, pulling off of him, straightening her skirt.

She just kicked her underwear off at this point. 

She was gonna have to wash this skirt anyway.

Ross just tucked his dick back into his panties.

Jackass.

* * * 

There was some cheering when they came out of the bathroom, but everyone else was more or less busy.

Arin was... conspicuously absent, come to think of it. 

So was Brian.

Holly grinned to herself, as she drank punch and talked about bug conservation with Suzy. 

* * *

And then bug conservation turned into making out in the streaming room.

Somehow.

Maybe Holly was a little more loopy than she thought she was - but she was kissing Suzy, her hands in Suzy's hair, and Suzy was kissing her back, grinning against Holly's lips.

"This feels like old times," said Suzy.

"Yeah?"

"You and I sneaking off somewhere to make out...."

"I was hoping for more than making out," Holly said, her hand sliding between them, squeezing Suzy's cock through Suzy's jeans.

Suzy moaned appreciatively, rolling her hips forward.

"We'd need a condom," Suzy said. "But otherwise... I'm all for it."

"Condom?"

"I use this with Sarah, too," said Suzy. 

"Right," said Holly.

Suzy's other partner, who liked to keep to herself, but still showed up occasionally.

"... be right back," Suzy said, looking sheepish, and Holly sat down on the couch, waiting for Suzy to come back, amused at herself and the situation.

God, this was like being young and horny again, minus all the angst that had come with that.

Suzy slipped back in, condom in hand, and she was blushing.

Arin is wearing Brian's cowl," said Suzy, "and Brian has lipstick on his face."

"Nice," said Holly, grinning.

"Dan is here, too."

"About time. What took him so long?"

"I didn't ask him." said Suzy, "since I was stealing a condom from the office supply to go fuck his wife."

"... fair," said Holly. "Although, uh... Ross just came in me. Well, not just-just, but... recently enough."

"Condoms are handy like that," said Suzy, and she was shoving her pants down and sitting down on the couch, pulling her dildo out through a slot in her boxers, rolling the condom onto it. 

Holly grinned at it, and she straddled Suzy's lap.

"We're gonna have to clean all the upholstery," Suzy said, as she leaned down.

"Would you rather we -"

" _God_ no," said Suzy, and she spread her legs, bracing herself on the couch. "You gonna come ride in my lap, sweetheart?"

"I guess I could find it in me to fit it into my busy schedule," Holly said, and she straddled Suzy, grinding the shaft of the dildo against her clit, squeezing her thighs together.

"I'm glad you can fit me in," said Suzy, and she pressed her face into Holly's breasts, through the fabric.

Holly sighed, as Suzy nuzzled into her nipple, sucking on it gently through Suzy's dress, then groaning, as she adjusted the dildo, so that Holly could slide down onto it.

Which she did.

This was... different. 

Holly was so used to the warmth of actual human cocks, but... no, this wasn't a regular cock, but fuck it.

Suzy was kneading Holly's breasts, and then her hand went between them, to rub Holly's clit.

"Cum on my dick, baby," Suzy said, and she was clearly trying to lower her voice, looking up at Holly through her eyelashes, and rubbed Holly's clit harder, in that one particular motion that always made Holly's eyes roll back in her head. 

And Suzy was doing... something with her hips, something that was grinding the dildo against Holly's g-spot, and okay, that was... that was good, that was better than it had a right to be.

She was already beginning to get sore, from all the fucking, but... who cared, it was Halloween, they were at the number one album spot, everything was going great.

She was going to have a baby... at some point.

She was going to grab her happiness with both hands and hold it as close to her as she could.

She wrapped her arms around Suzy's shoulders, and she kissed Suzy with her whole mouth, bouncing awkwardly, then bringing her legs around, so that Suzy was pressed closer.

"What if I was putting a baby in you?" 

Suzy's voice was rough, low, and it had some kind of emotion that Holly didn't entirely understand, except it was complicated and scary. 

She moaned, and she let Suzy mumble in her ear.

"I'm going to put a baby in you, honey," Suzy said. "My... my cock is so big, it burst the condom."

They both knew it was a lie.

"And then I'm gonna cum inside of you, I'm gonna make you so pregnant, I'm gonna make your belly so big...."

The hand that had been groping at Holly's breasts went to Holly's belly, shoving the dress up further, and then Suzy was pressing down lower, right above Holly's mound.

It was... oh, that was heaven.

And weird.

Weird, but it was pushing her towards orgasm, and she stared down into Suzy's face, trying to read the look on Suzy's face.

It was complicated - there was some kind of yearning there, although what she was yearning for, Holly didn't know.

"I'm gonna... it's gonna be our baby," Suzy said, and then she was full on bouncing Holly in her lap, and she was pressing down with her finger, with her hand, and Holly was clutching at Suzy's shoulders, as she came and came, squirting, and... Arin was going to have to wash those pants.

She flopped against Suzy, her face in Suzy's neck, and she was shaking, clutching at her, kissing along Suzy's neck.

"I'd give you a baby if I could," Suzy said quietly. "I'm sorry that I can't."

"It's okay," Holly said. "I know... it's not fair."

This was... scary, complicated stuff, and Holly wasn't sure she knew how to deal with that, especially right now, when she was vulnerable to the degree that she was.

But she held Suzy to her chest, and she kissed Suzy's head, rocking them slowly, carefully, still impaled on the dildo.

"Do you want me to do anything for you?"

"Nah," said Suzy. "I kinda like feeling all pent up like this, when I keep the dick on."

Holly nodded.

It even made sense.

"We should get back," she said. "Before Dan starts worrying."

"Assuming Dan isn't playing tonsil hockey with Ross right now," Suzy said, her tone fond.

Holly giggled.

"I think they're both too sober to be that PDA-y in public," she said, carefully coming off of the dildo.

She stood up, and her knees only shook a little bit. 

She was going to need to pee again.

Oh well.

"Let's see," said Suzy, standing up as well, and she rolled the condom off of her cock, tossing it out and holding a hand out to Holly. "Shall we?"

"Might wanna, uh, put that away," said Holly, indicating Suzy's cock. 

"Oh. Right." 

Suzy had the good grace to blush as she tucked her dick back into her pants.

Holly grinned. 

* * * 

Dan was leering at her.

She hadn't been expecting that, exactly. 

He wasn't as... jealous as he had been, in their earlier days.

A marriage and a baby could do that, it seemed.

But Dan had Ross in his lap, and they were playing... something or other.

It had cards.

Well, Dan had cards, and Ross kept commenting on Dan's cards.

The two of them had gotten much more affectionate in public together.

... sleeping in the same bed every night probably did that.

Holly flopped onto the couch next to Dan, and he wrapped an arm around her, transferring the cards to Ross.

"What took you so long?"

"Homesickness," said Dan. 

"Aw, does Wren wanna go home?"

"It wasn't Wren," said Dan, "it was Shoshana."

"So....?"

"So we did a whole sing along," said Dan, and he was grinning.

"Sometimes I think you were, like, made in a lab to be an Abba," said Ross. 

"If I was made in a lab to be the perfect Abba, I wouldn't have done nearly as much pot as I did when I was in my youth," said Dan. "Let alone all the YouTube videos where I talk about my jerk off habits."

Holly snorted. 

Dan kissed her loudly on the cheek.

"You having fun?"

Holly blushed, and Arin was leering from across the coffee table, where he was sitting on a beanbag chair.

"Oh yeah," said Holly. "Yeah, I'm... I'm having fun." 

"That's good," said Dan. 

* * *

There were more cards.

Holly had another beer, and she won three rounds of poker in a role.

And somewhere along the line, Arin and Suzy had disappeared, and Holly had grinned, as Ross and Brian talked about something or other.

And then Dan was pulling her into Ross's office, and they were kissing.

He was kissing her sweetly, softly, and he tasted like the chips he'd been eating, and he tasted like himself, and she sighed into his mouth, her hands going up to cup his fuzzy face.

He was growing his beard out for something - it always delighted Wren when he did that, although she also got upset when he shaved it again.

If not for his fans, he probably would have been bearded all the time.

But he was bearded right now, and he was kissing along her neck, pushing the neck of her dress down, and he was moaning. 

"God, I want to fuck you so badly, pigeon," he said.

"Literally everyone has fucked me tonight," she told him, "Arin and Ross already came in me."

"They've both cum in me before," Dan said, ever philosophical. "Please?"

Holly snorted.

"Sure," she said, and then he was bending her over the desk, carefully, his hand sliding up her dress, then into her dress, rubbing her clit with the very tip of his middle finger as he curved his long body along hers, kissing along the back of her neck.

"Oh," Dan sighed, and his face was pressed into the sweet spot on the back of her neck, where her hairline started, and she shuddered, as he rubbed between the lips of her labia.

"Mmm," Holly mumbled, and she ground back against him, her legs gaping open wider, planting her hands on the desk.

"I don't think... I don't think you'll be able to get pregnant, this way," Dan said thickly, as he pushed up her skirt, and he was crouching down on his haunches, looking up her skirt, at her pussy. "Where are your panties?"

"In Ross's bag," said Holly, as Dan's fingers slid inside of her.

She was already wet for him, and she was panting, her mouth wide open.

There was more sweat dripping down her back, along her neck, and she was shaking as he spread his fingers open inside of her, as she ground back against him, moaning like she was in pain.

Everyone outside probably knew what they were doing.

She didn't care.

And then Dan was removing his fingers, and she sighed, looking over her shoulder at him.

He was pulling off his costume, pushing all of the spandex down, and then there was his cock, pressing along the crack of her ass.

Then she stuck her rear end out further, spreading her legs wider, and his cock slid between her labia, rubbing her clit with the head of his cock, and she moaned, pressing her thighs together, letting him fuck the channel between them.

"Babe," Dan said thickly, "babe, if you do that, I'm gonna cum, in, like, five seconds. That'd be a waste of sperm."

"Waste the sperm," Holly said, surprised at her own tone of voice. "We can be good and keep trying tomorrow, but... oh god, Dan, fuck!"

"... you sure?"

He sounded surprised.

"Dan," Holly said, looking over her shoulder at him and squeezing her thighs together, "Dan, we've been trying to get me pregnant for months. I'm tired of it. I may... I think I wanna take a break."

"Is this the best time to talk about that?"

"... no, but... please, can you just fuck me? Can you make me cum?"

"I can certainly do my best," said Dan, and it was such a... Dan thing to say that she burst into giggles, which turned into a moan as he slid his cock into her, and she sighed and shuddered, leaning back against him, as he bottomed out.

"You still feel so good," said Dan, his breath going hard and fast. "You're so... tight, you're so beautiful, god, I love you."

"I love you too," Holly said, and she pressed her face down lower, so that he could fuck her harder, bracing her legs.

He kept rubbing her clit with his fingertip, as he began to fuck her at an almost brutal pace, her eyes squeezing shut, her mouth wide open.

"God," she gasped. "Fuck, Dan, _fuuuuuck_!"

They hadn't had sex that wasn't vaguely... duty sex in a while.

Since they'd started to try to conceive. 

And now he was just fucking her, his other hand going to her breast, squeezing it, and they were... oh god, she was tensing up already, her body already sore, her toes curling into the vinyl flooring, and then he was doing that... thing that always got her going, and she was cumming around his cock, squeezing him tightly, and he grunted, pressing himself as deep into her as he could get, and then he was cumming like a firecracker, as deep inside of her as he could get it, and he rested on top of her, shaking.

"You don't usually cum that quickly," Holly mumbled, looking over her shoulder at him, one eyebrow up.

"Well, no," said Dan, "but Arin was telling me about the threesome you had with Suzy and him."

"I thought you didn't like hearing about what I get up to with Suzy," said Holly, as Dan pulled out.

Some of his cum dribbled out of her, down her leg.

She made a face, as he grabbed from the tissue box that Ross kept on his desk, helping her mop up.

"I think I'm done with sex for the next... month," Holly said, grabbing between her legs and squeezing gently.

Dan smiled at her nervously.

"Are you okay?"

"I've had four different people in my vagina tonight, in one iteration or another," said Holly, carefully pulling her skirt back down when she was clean. "I think it's waving a little white flag."

"Maybe you'll get pregnant from tonight," said Dan, and his face was doing something complicated.

Holly shrugged, wrapping her arms around Dan's shoulders and pressing their foreheads together, kissing him, standing on tiptoe. 

He was so warm, so familiar, long and rangy against her, his cheeks bristly, edging their way into soft.

"I'll be glad when you can shave again," she told him.

"Yeah?"

"I like it when you're smooth faced," she said, "although I know Wren likes you best this way."

"What am I gonna do, when my two favorite girls have such different opinions?"

"I'll cede to Wren," said Holly, leaning against him, his arm wrapping around him. "At least, for the moment."

Dan snorted, squeezing her hip.

She sighed, and she yawned.

"You've really fucked four different people tonight?"

Dan sounded faintly impressed.

"Yep," Holly said. "You'll have to work hard to catch up with me."

"Evidently!"

Holly giggled, and the two of them made their way back to the rest of the group.

* * *

The rest of the night was pretty mellow.

More card games.

Holly fell asleep against Dan, and was woken up when Arin lifted her up to carry her to the car.

"What's going on?"

She yawned wide enough that her jaw cracked.

"Time to go home," Arin said gently.

"I can walk myself," Holly said, and she yawned again, rubbing her eyes. "I'm not... I'm not Wren."

"I should hope not," Arin said, carefully setting her down on her feet.

Holly rolled her eyes and kissed him, making her way out, dozily.

* * *

She slept like the dead that night - barely got out of the costume, just managed to get the makeup off of her face, and then she was asleep on her pillow, flat on her back, no doubt snoring in that way that Dan found so endearing.

She woke up late the next morning, still pleasantly sore between the legs, and when she got out of bed, she was greeted by the sight of her two husbands and her daughter eating French toast.

"Mama! I made rice krispies!" 

"Yeah?" Holly sat down at the table, was given her own plate.

She was very tired. 

She let Wren's chatter wash over her, as Wren told her about the trick or treating (apparently there had been a haunted house, and someone had dressed their dog up with a pair of fake horns), and she ate her French toast.

"So what did you guys do?"

"We had a boring grown up party," Holly told Wren. "You would have hated it."

"Yeah?"

"Oh yeah."

"Well, next year you can come with the troupe," said Wren, and she patted Holly on the knee, almost solicitous. 

Holly burst out laughing, and she leaned over, kissing Wren's forehead.

"You're a doll," she told Wren. "An absolute doll."

Wren blinked at her, confused.

Dan solved the moment by giving Wren another serving of French toast.

* * *

Holly was out of commission for sex for almost two weeks.

She was kind of impressed, in her own way - who knew that she could be that sore, for that long?

Everyone was very understanding, because of course they were.

It was... in a weird way, it was nice.

It took the pressure off.

Dan began to make noises about getting one of those fertility tracking watches, but Holly waved it off.

After she'd recovered, she made an executive decision.

"I want to wait until the new year," she told Dan, Arin, and Ross, as the three of them sat around the kitchen table, drinking tea and hot chocolate. "I don't want to be trying to get pregnant while worrying about Thanksgiving or Christmas."

Arin nodded.

"That makes sense," he said. 

"And maybe... we should start looking into fertility treatments," Holly said, staring down into her mug of tea.

"We can worry about it in the new year," Dan said, his voice gentle.

She looked up at him, and she nodded.

She was... she wasn't going to think of herself as a failure.

She _wasn't_.

... or at least, she'd try not to.

"So," Arin said, before Holly could fall too deeply into her own head, "what are we thinking for Thanksgiving?"

"It's a we now?"

"Well," said Arin, "since... since we're trying to have a kid now, I figure maybe we should try doing Thanksgiving with each other."

"What about Suzy?"

Dan looked a bit nervous.

He always did, when Arin made big plans without involving Suzy. 

... smart man, her husband.

"I'll talk to her about it," said Arin. "But she was talking about not wanting to travel this year."

"Right," said Holly, and she leaned back, her eyes half lidded.

She was tired, bone tired - all of that trying to get pregnant was really taking it out of her, it seemed.

She fell asleep at the table, and had to be shaken awake, as she made her way back to the bedroom, to pass out and sleep like the dead.

* * * 

A week later, Wren caught a stomach flu.

It was a pretty spectacular one - there was a point where Holly was sitting on the bathroom floor, holding up a bucket for Wren, who was sitting on the toilet, and... things happened.

Holly, at least, kept her vomiting down until Wren was out of the room.

Barely.

Her stomach was doing interesting things, and other things weren't doing things that they should have, which was... unfortunate, but there wasn't much she could do about it.

She tried not to think about things too hard, although something was beginning to take root in the back of her mind.

It was like the barest flicker of a flame, and she didn't to even breathe in its direction, for fear of accidentally blowing it out.

* * * 

"Hols," said Ross, as he glanced into their grocery cart, "I mean this in the nicest way possible, but there are three different brands of cheese crackers in here, and two different bags of barbecue chips."

"I dunno," said Holly, and she yawned, shifting in place, then winced.

Her breasts were getting sore - sore enough that she had gone without a bra, choosing instead to steal one of Arin's big, floppy sweaters, with nothing under it.

... certain signs were beginning to point in certain directions, but she didn't want to look too deeply into it. 

She was probably going to have another period any day now. 

"Is Wren holding a Daisy meeting?"

"... I've been craving salt," Holly admitted.

Ross raised an eyebrow, and his face did... something complicated.

"Do we need more pregnancy tests?"

"You can buy one, if you'd really like to," said Holly. "I mean, I won't object. But we're not trying right now, remember?"

"We _were_ trying," Ross pointed out, making his way towards the pharmacy aisle. 

"Well, yes," said Holly. "Okay. You've got a point there."

"Mama," said Wren, and she came back, trailing Dan. "Can we get doughnuts?"

"No," said Holly. "You're gonna be baking brownies at Scouts."

"But those are gonna be the Scouts brownies, not _mine_ ," said Wren. 

"If you get doughnuts, Daddy might eat them all in the middle of the night," Holly said.

"I only did that once," Ross said defensive.

Wren cackled, bouncing and flapping her hands. 

"You can go with Daddy to get _a_ doughnut," said Holly, indicating the bakery section of the grocery store. "Okay?"

"Okay! Thank you, Mama!"

Wren hugged Holly around the legs, and Holly ruffled Wren's hair.

"You know," Dan said, watching as his daughter and his partner made their way towards the bakery section, "one of the moms at the Scouts said it's not really... normal for her to flap like that."

"What, when she's happy?"

Holly stared at the pregnancy tests on the shelf, licking her lips. 

Why was she so damn anxious?

Dan followed her hand with his eyes, as she picked up a pregnancy test and put it in the cart.

"Do you think - "

"I don't know yet," Holly said. "I don't want to talk about it yet, if that's okay?"

"Okay," said Dan, and he leaned in, kissing her on the temple, his arm going around her waist. 

"So this mom in the troupe was saying that there's something wrong with flapping?"

Wren had been doing it her whole life; whenever she got especially excited, she flailed.

As she got older, the flailing moved to just the upper body.

Holly would tickle her, make jokes about Wren trying to fly away like a bird. 

"She said it's not... normal," Dan said into the top of Holly's head.

Holly shrugged.

"It's not hurting anyone," said Holly, and she was distantly aware that she sounded defensive.

She couldn't help it.

She'd been so ostracized when she was a kid, for being weird, both from her peers and her parents.

So what if her daughter liked to flap her hands when she was excited?

"We're not normal," she told Dan, as Wren and Ross came running back.

"I thought I said one doughnut," said Holly, looking at the bag.

"It's one doughnut for me," said Wren. "One for Abba and one for Daddy and one for Mama, and one for me!"

"That's very generous of you," said Holly, and she smiled, touched in spite of herself.

"Thank you, Mama," said Wren. 

Holly leaned down and kissed her, right on the cheek, loud enough that Wren cackled.

* * *

Life went on.

Holly finished a commission, started the next one.

The box of pregnancy tests sat under the sink, next to her pads, and she tried not to think about either of them.

Her period was going to come, and they'd be back where they had been.

So she painted and she streamed and she took care of her animals and herself and her family.

She got on with her life.

* * *

Her period never came.

The queasiness came, though, and the exhaustion, and... she didn't know what to think, except that she had stuff to do - planning a big Thanksgiving meal, navigating her relationships. 

Trying to keep her sanity, or some facsimile thereof.

* * *

Thanksgiving came.

She did the most cooking she could stand, then got out of the house, as the smell of the meat made her want to be sick.

Wren kept her company, taking a break from all of the craziness inside.

* * *

It was a lovely evening - of course it was a lovely evening, Holly was surrounded by her favorite people, in her own home.

Life was... if not good, at least as close to good as it can get, in this complicated world.

* * *

She took the pregnancy test two weeks later, because... you can only hold certain things off for so long. 

She took it while Wren was at drumming practice, and Dan was Grumping, and Ross was streaming.

It was yet another stick to pee on, which… wasn’t the most pleasant thing in the world, but it had to be done, and let it never be said that Holly didn’t do the things that needed to be done.

She sat in the bathroom, holding the wet stick of plastic in her hand, and she tried not to stare at it. 

A watched pregnancy test does not… metaphorically boil….

She’d lost the thread.

She was so anxious that she was pulling Arin level jokes as she waited.

What if this was Arin’s baby? 

Would it have Arin’s intestinal issues?

What about her own bodily issues?

She’d had to have a kidney stone removed, a few years ago.

And now… now she was bringing another life into the world, with her genes.

… maybe.’

Goddamn it, she was panicking. 

Okay.

Breathe.

She’d been planning this.

So why was her first thought was in relation to getting an abortion.

Except she didn’t want an abortion.

She wanted this baby.

Okay.

She had to breathe.

She had to keep breathing.

For all she knew, she wasn’t pregnant. 

So she was going to be calm.

She was so calm.

Wasn’t it obvious how calm she was? 

Someone was crying.

… oh.

That was her.

It must have been time for her to check the pregnancy test.

Hmm. 

Now she had to look at it. 

Crap.

This was the hard part.

The scary part.

She'd buried loved ones.

She'd faced down abusive chucklefucks.

She could look at a goddamn pregnancy test.

... and it was positive.

Oh god.

Oh fucking god, she was pregnant.

The emotions rushed over her like a tidal wave, and she... leaned over and threw up in the bathtub.

It was the closest thing, really, and she could reach it from where she was sitting, which was the important part.

She threw up hard enough that it came out of her nose, which was... unpleasant, but she was able to wash out the bathtub, then brush her teeth and take a drink of water.

Okay.

Fuck.

Should she have kept the pregnancy test?

Should she show it to them?

Or should she just dump it?

... she didn't know how to deal with a planned pregnancy.

She'd never really thought she'd have one - at least, not in her heart of hearts.

But here she was, holding the still wet pregnancy test, shaking. 

She hadn't thought about being pregnant - she'd thought about having the baby in her arms, not the part about giving birth. 

... giving birth was horrible.

Oh god.

Holly groaned, and looked herself in the mirror.

Hopefully she wouldn't end up looking like a corpse, the way she had in certain parts of her pregnancy.

How was she going to tell all of this to Wren?

Oh fuck.

Holly threw up again, in the toilet this time, because... of course.

She'd have to figure out how to tell everyone.

She'd have to get a paternity test.

Okay.

She could do this.

She had to brush her teeth first, and then... then she'd deal with the rest of this.

Okay.

* * *

Holly ended up sending a mass text.

She couldn't think of any other way to tell anyone.

She stayed in the pigeon loft, fussing over the birds, and she carefully adjusted the wording on the text, then gave up and went straightforward.

_The at home pregnancy test came back as positive. I don't know if it's a false positive or not, so I'm going to go to the doctor about it as soon as possible._

She sent it to Dan, Arin, Ross, and Suzy, and then she opened up her phone and called her doctor to make an appointment.

And then she cleaned the pigeon loft, because she had to do something to get out of her head, and to make her feel like something other than a thing to make babies.

They would understand.

They knew her.

... well, she hoped they would understand. 

If they didn't, well... that wasn't her problem.

They could talk it out later.

* * *

Ross was the first one to respond.

He came running downstairs, to find her sweeping the dirty water out of the pigeon loft, and he wrapped his arms around her, his forehead against hers, and he kissed her. 

"It's not... we don't know if it's viable yet," Holly said nervously.

"Viable?"

"I might have another miscarriage," said Holly. "I mean... I'm probably that far along. It hasn't been that long. So I'm gonna... I'm gonna go to the doctor, get it done officially."

Ross nodded, and he kissed her again, clutching her tightly.

He looked... almost scared, which was scary in and of itself.

"We're gonna do this," he said.

"I don't want to say anything until it's started moving, okay?"

"Of course," said Ross. "Anything you want, Hols."

"... even though now you have to do cat boxes?"

Ross made a face.

"I'll do my best," he said. 

She kissed him again.

* * * 

Wren came home, and Holly acted normal.

... at least, she hoped she was acting normal. 

How would she be able to tell if she wasn't acting normal or not?

Wren, thankfully, was as self absorbed as any other four year old, and talked nonstop about her drumming, about her lesson, about her teacher, about who even knew what, except that she kept talking about it, and she talked about it very quickly.

Holly made vague affirmative noises, her mind still taken up.

She picked at her pasta salad.

* * * 

Holly gave Wren a bath, read her a story, and sat up talking with her, about Scouts and drumming and animals, about how far away the sun was and how the world was a lot older than people thought it was. 

Wren fell asleep still clutching Holly's hand, and Holly had to carefully disentangle herself from her daughter, before she was going downstairs, to find Ross sitting up, sketching.

"So if it's a boy, would you want to circumcise?"

Holly shot Ross a surprised look.

"Dan is gonna want a bris," she pointed out. 

"But we're not that religious," said Ross.

"Well, no," said Holly, "but we still have Channukah, and...."

She paused.

"What's up?"

Ross lifted an arm up for her to snuggle up to him.

She just sat there, looking thoughtful.

He, in turn, looked nervous.

"I don't want to think about this stuff until we know the pregnancy is viable," Holly said again. 

"Got it," said Ross. "Sorry, just... I can't stop thinking about all the stuff we're gonna need to do."

"Yeah," Holly said, and she sighed, and took a slug of her water. "What are we gonna tell Wren?"

"That you're gonna have a baby," said Ross. "When you... know you're gonna have it, I mean. When it's viable. Which it totally is gonna be."

"I hope so," Holly said quietly, and she snuggled up to him.

The pregnancy would explain the exhaustion that was nipping at her heels like a hungry dog. 

She fell asleep cuddled up to Ross, snoring quietly.

* * *

She was woken up, who knew when, by Dan sitting on the couch next to her, wrapping his arms around her.

"We're gonna have a baby," Dan told her, delighted, as Ross wrapped his arm around her middle as well, both of them holding on to her like she was the last port in the storm.

She let them hold her, their warmth surrounding her, and she closed her eyes.

* * *

Arin came over the next day, and he brought her flowers.

It was so... unexpected, and it reminded her of when Dan had gotten her and Wren flowers, right after the miscarriage, and she started to cry, right there in her front room.

"Oh fuck," said Arin, and he looked panicked, reaching out to her, then letting his arms drop, as she sobbed into the roses and daisies that he had no doubt picked up from the florist near the Grump space. "I fucked up, I'm _so_ sorry, let me just...."

"No," Holly blubbered into the flowers, and she held on to them tightly, even as he made to take them out of her hand. "No, they're lovely, I love them."

"So... did I do something wrong?"

Arin looked nonplussed.

"No," Holly said, and then she put the flowers to the side and she wrapped her arms around Arin's middle and cried into his shoulder, the roses probably poking him in the back.

He made soothing noises, one hand on the back of her head, the other on her back.

"It's okay," Arin said. "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. It's all gonna be okay. I promise."

She sniffled, back, pulling back to look into his brown eyes, and he looked down at her, looking sweet but concerned. 

"So... when do you wanna make the big announcement?"

"I wanna wait until we know the pregnancy is viable," she said for what felt like the ten millionth time. "When the baby starts moving and I start showing." 

"Right," said Arin, and he kissed her on the forehead. "Makes total sense. And when are you gonna... you know, take a paternity test?"

"Same point," Holly said, her voice still thick with tears. 

"Sounds like a good plan," said Arin. "So... what can I do for you right now?"

"... can you clean the cat boxes and keep me company while I feed the pigeons?"

"Of course," said Arin. "I'll put the flowers in water too, okay?"

"Okay," Holly snuffled, and she wiped her eyes on the back of her hand.

Arin dug a napkin out of his pocket, and he held it out to her.

The simple sweetness of the gesture was enough to make her start crying again, and he looked slightly scared. 

"Sorry," Holly mumbled, dabbing at her face.

"No, no," Arin said, and he took her face in his big hands, kissing her forehead. "It's okay. We're okay. It's all gonna be okay."

"Okay," Holly said, and she blew her nose.

"There we go," said Arin. "You wanna get lunch with me?"

"Sounds like a plan," said Holly. 

* * *

They had lunch.

She was ravenously hungry and excessively queasy in turn, which was... unpleasant, but she made due.

She was going to have to get into the habit of eating whenever she was hungry.

She picked Wren up from school, and took her daughter to a diner as a special treat - they shared a giant milkshake, and Wren had a grilled cheese sandwich.

"You know," Holly said, licking the chocolate off of her upper lip, "when your Abba and I first got together, we shared a milkshake like this one."

"Yeah?"

"Oh yeah," said Holly. "Only I accidentally dropped it into his lap."

Wren seemed to think this was the funniest thing ever, and she cackled like a hyena, which earned them some looks from their fellow diners, but fuck it.

Holly grinned as well, and ate her salad.

"He must have been pretty mad about that," said Wren.

"He was a bit upset, yeah," said Holly, "but he forgave me eventually."

"And then you had me!"

"Some other stuff happened first," Holly said, amused.

'Yeah, but I did happen!"

"You did indeed happen," said Holly. "So tell me the new song you're learning in drumming."

* * * 

The doctor's appointment was the day before the first night of Channukah. 

There was an unlit menorah in the reception area, and Holly tried to remember which side you started lighting the candles on, so she wouldn't have to think too hard about the appointment, or what it entailed.

She was making a conscious effort not to freak out, or think too hard.

She had to, because... it wouldn't do anyone any good.

So she got her blood drawn, she peed into a cup, she had things analyzed and talked to the doctor.

She was informed that she needed to watch her salt intake, and to make sure she was getting enough protein, since she didn't eat meat.

She told the doctor about her previous miscarriage, about the things that she was worried about. 

The doctor reassured her that she was perfectly healthy, and she was getting along pretty well - the doctor estimated she was about seven weeks pregnant, which would mean... it had been the Halloween party, or around then.

Um.

She was also given a prescription for prenatal vitamins, and another appointment for right before Christmas.

So that was sorted out. 

She went home, slightly more confident, although that wasn't saying much.

* * *

"I'm sorry," said Dan, "but we can't bring the drums into the prayers over the candles."

"Why not?"

"Because that's not how they work," said Dan.

"At camp, they play the guitar," said Wren. 

She was pouting, as Holly carefully put the candles into the menorah. 

"Yeah, but we're not at camp," said Dan. "We can work on a special Channukah rock song over the weekend, okay?"

"Promise?"

"Extra double plus promise, okay?"

"... okay," said Wren.

* * * 

Dan's voice was sweet over the candles, and the light reflected in Wren's eyes, as she stared at the candles.

Holly's heart swelled like a water balloon. 

Oh.

Oh god.

She was... she was so lucky, and now she was having _feelings_ , only they were intense enough that she just had to wipe her nose and not visibly cry, because otherwise Holly would be crying in front of Wren, and she didn't want to upset her. 

So she grabbed the little witch costume she'd bought for Wren months ago, and she prayed that it still fit the girl.

Wren was growing by leaps and bounds, and... well, worst case scenario, they'd find something to do with it, right?

When Wren was big enough, Holly would make her something out of the starry night fabric, that Dan had gotten her for that one Valentines day.

When Wren had gotten out of the habit of trying to do all the things, as messily as possible, at once.

* * * 

Wren adored her new witch costume, running around the house, terrifying the cats, and amusing the hell out of everyone else.

She lost all of her energy out of the blue, and then she was dead asleep in her witch costume, and had to be woken up to go to bed.

Holly sighed, flopping back on the couch as Ross did the bedtime routine.

Holly was woken up by Dan shaking her gently.

"Hols? Let's got to bed, okay?"

"'kay," Holly mumbled, and she yawned, stumbling after Dan, two thirds asleep already.

The candles flickered, out of the reach of cats, leaving long, dark shadows on the walls. 

* * * 

Holly walked her way through the rest of the month, dissociating slightly, as her body changed around her.

Now that she was aware of it happening, she actually noticed the changes.

Her breasts were tender, and beginning to get bigger again.

Her back ached, her head hurt, and she wasn't able to fit into a decent amount of her clothes now.

She was going to have to bring out the maternity clothes soon.

She had hoped that she'd be able to burn them.

Oh well.

At least they weren't doing anything too special for Christmas this year - they'd decided, when she started trying to conceive, that they'd stay in California for the holiday, and anyone who wanted to see them could visit.

Dan missed his grandmother and his parents, but Holly was just... too delicate to travel.

So Holly woke up on Christmas morning in her own bed, with her daughter bouncing all over the bed, and nearly landing on Holly's belly.

Holly curled up quickly, lying on her side, protecting her belly.

They were going to have to talk to Wren about all of this soon.

Luckily, Ross grabbed Wren, wrapping her up in his arms and kissed all over her face, going downstairs to open presents.

There were many presents.

Holly was still in a daze - she was aware, on some level, that she was dissociating. 

Possibly she was trying to protect herself, if she had another miscarriage.

She wasn't connected to the thing in her belly, even as she was aware of how her body was being altered.

But she wasn't out of the woods yet, and it would be stupid to get attached before that.

Hopefully, Wren couldn't tell.

She'd been more needy lately, and apparently the other Scout mother was still giving Dan a hard time about Wren being kinda weird. 

But... right now, it was Christmas.

So Holly sat on the couch, cuddled up to Ross, as Dan sat on the floor and helped Wren tear presents open.

Lots of presents, from friends, from family, from all of her parents. 

Holly grinned, and opened her own presents.

They'd promised no baby gifts until the baby kicked - didn't want to confuse Wren, or to raise anyone's hopes up.

... maybe she was clinging too hard to that.

The inside of Holly's head was full of static, and she smiled and fussed over Wren all day, but by the time the sun went down, and their daughter was put to bed... she was flagging.

She was flagging badly, and both of her husbands could tell.

"Hols?"

Dan was shooting her a concerned look.

"I'm fine," Holly said, but she wasn't, she was afraid, she was deathly afraid, but she didn't know what she was afraid _of_ , except that she was standing in her own kitchen, shaking so hard that she dropped her glass, and the sound of it breaking was a little starburst. 

"Honey," Ross said, his voice gentle, "Hols, I need you to walk over to Dan. Carefully. Okay?"

She blinked at him, uncomprehending. 

He was talking to her, and she was far away - so far away, floating somewhere to the left of herself.

"Hols," said Dan, and he was wrapping his arms around her. "Hols, can you look at me? Look into my eyes?"

She stared up into his face, trying to read his expression, but her glasses were all fogged up.

Was he breathing on them, or was she panicking?

... both?

"Hols, I need you to tell me what's wrong," said Dan. "Can you tell me?"

"I.... I can't get too upset," she said thickly. "I can't hurt the baby. I can't."

"Shhh," said Dan, and he rested his chin on top of her head, his long arms around her middle. "Shhh, shh, it's okay. You're not gonna lose the baby, it's -"

"You don't know that," said Holly, and her voice broke. "I might. I might lose it, and it'll hurt, and then it'll... it'll...." 

She was crying again, she was shaking, she couldn't breathe, she was choking, and her hands were on her throat, she was too hot, she was too... she was... she....

Holly woke up on the kitchen floor, staring up at Dan, who looked almost frantic with worry.

"What happened?" 

She was muzzy in the head, and there was something soft under her head. 

Dan wasn't wearing his sweater anymore.

"You passed out," Dan said. "I think we should take you to the hospital."

... like when she'd lost the baby. 

Oh _god_.

She started to cry again, and she hated herself for it.

She wasn't going to be someone who just... cried over anything, she wasn't going to be on of those pregnant people.

But here she was, panting, unable to breathe, unable to do anything but lie there sobbing her heart out as Ross helped her up, helped her put her shoes on.

She was still panicking and sobbing as they got in the car, Dan staying behind with Wren, Holly clutching Ross in a death grip.

She only let go of him when he had to start the car, and she was still crying, great, heaving sobs like her heart was breaking.

Was her heart breaking?

She clutched Dan's sweater to her chest, and she cried into it, rocking back and forth, as they made their way to the hospital.

* * *

She was seen right away.

She was able to stop sobbing, eventually - she sat there, numb, panting shallowly, and Ross stood next to her, brushing her hair off of her face, tucking it behind her ear, whispering commentary in her ear.

And god bless him, he let her talk, when the doctor came in and sat down. 

The doctor was an older woman, with salt and pepper hair and pale grey eyes.

"I had a miscarriage, a few months ago," Holly said, her voice thick. "And... and now I'm pregnant again. And I want to keep this baby. But I'm afraid... I'm afraid of losing it, and I was... I think I was about this pregnant, when I had the miscarriage, and...."

Ross took over, when Holly lost the thread.

"She had a panic attack," he told the doctor. "And she passed out. We thought... we thought it would be better safe than sorry, since... you know, she had the miscarriage, and you know, someone just passing out, right out of the blue... that's usually something you check up on."

The doctor nodded, and she made sympathetic noises, as Holly began to babble at her, about feeling disconnected, about being afraid.

She ended up talking about the fear she'd carried around when Wren was a baby - the fear that had kept Wren in the crib next to the bed, the fear that had kept her staring at Wren late at night, to make sure the baby was still breathing.

And the doctor made sympathetic noises, nodding along with Holly's talking, and she patted Holly on the shoulder.

"I'm going to set you up with a counselor," she told Holly. "And a general counselor, to help you with your anxiety."

"... okay," said Holly, although she wanted to argue.

But if she was going to have a full blown panic attack like that... what if it happened in front of Wren? 

She could never do that to her daughter.

So she took out her phone and made the appointment, and she took the booklet full of information about how to manage anxiety, and she generally just went along with things as they checked her out.

Ross looked over at her, his expression worried.

"How about... how about we go to the diner?"

Holly paused.

"The diner? But it's eleven at night on Christmas."

"If they're open, we can get milkshakes. We'll bring one back to Dan."

"... okay," said Holly.

She was... drained.

She was tired.

She wasn't floating a million miles away anymore, but she was... she was something. 

* * *

They sat at the table at the diner, and they drank milkshakes, and Holly tried to talk.

"I'm... I'm afraid of losing the baby," Holly said, "and I know, like, that's super obvious...." 

Ross shrugged, holding her hands in his own.

"I'm afraid you and Dan and Arin will be mad at me, if I lose it," she said, her voice low. "And... and it hurt. It hurt so badly. And I'm afraid there's something inherently wrong with me, and I'll never be able to carry a baby to term."

"If you can't carry a baby to term, then we'll adopt," said Ross. 

"You don't want your own baby?"

Holly's voice wobbled.

"You already gave me my own baby," Ross pointed out. "I've changed as many diapers and been thrown up on and stayed up all night with her. She's my daughter."

"... if this baby is Dan's, I'm afraid you and Arin will be upset, because he already got to make a baby," Holly said, and she was aware of how dumb she sounded, even as she said it.

Ross shrugged.

"We'll get over it," he said. "I mean it. Okay?"

"... okay."

She sighed, took another sip of her milkshake.

"I'm afraid I won't love the new baby as much as I love Wren," Holly said, her voice barely above a whisper. 

"I doubt that," said Ross. "You were afraid you weren't going to love Wren, remember?"

"Yeah, but...." Holly sighed. "I don't know. Nobody will ever be like her."

"No," Ross agreed. "This baby is gonna be like whoever they are."

She sighed, and she kissed his knuckles. 

"I'm sorry," she said. 

"Don't be," Ross said. "Just concentrate on getting better, okay?"

".. what if this is just grief?"

"Then you grieve," said Ross. "And... we can grieve with you. Okay?"

"... okay."

"We're gonna be okay," Ross told her, squeezing her hands in his own, "and if that means that sometimes you're sad, or even some days you can't get up, that's okay. Because I love you, and Dan loves you, and Arin loves you, and Wren loves you. No matter how much you're hurting, know that you are loved. Okay?"

"... okay," said Holly, and she sighed, the knot in her chest beginning to untie, slowly.

"Let's finish our milkshakes," said Ross, "and head home, before Dan paces a hole in the floor."

Holly snorted.

"Sounds like a plan."

* * * 

She sat on the couch with Dan, and she let him hold her.

His milkshake melted in its cup on the coffee table, and she kept her head tucked under his chin, his big hand on her back, the tips of his fingers pressed against her shoulder blade.

Ross was upstairs, having some alone time in the bedroom, which probably meant he was sketching in bed.

"I'm sorry I've been a bad husband," he said quietly.

"You haven't been," Holly said. 

"I've been... I've been scared too," Dan said. "But I didn't want to smother you or whatever, because... you know, I know how hard it was for you. How scary. And I don’t want to make it all about me, because… I mean, _you’re_ the one who had the miscarriage.” 

Holly, snuggled up to him, her head on his chest, her eyes sliding shut.

She just let him talk - sometimes he bottled up his worries, and it easier to let them spring out of him, then to try to hold a conversation.

“It would be unfair to make it all about me, and I guess some of me is afraid that if the baby isn’t mine, genetically, I won’t love it. But… at the same time, it’ll be your baby, and if it’s your baby, then it’s also my baby, at least partially.”

She nodded.

“And… I guess I’ve just been worried. And all those moms in Scouts, talking about Wren -”

“What have they been saying about Wren?”

“Oh.” Dan avoided eye contact. “I didn’t want to worry you about it.”

“If people are saying things about my daughter, I want to know about it,” said Holly and she sat up fully, just looking at him. 

Her heart was beating very fast.

“... a few of the moms at Scouts have pointed out that Wren does that… hand flappy thing a lot. And that she hyper focuses a lot. And sometimes she kinda has meltdowns.” 

“Well, yeah,” said Holly. “She’s a human being. And she’s five. All five year olds sometimes have meltdowns.”

“She doesn’t make a lot of eye contact,” Dan said, and he sounded nervous.

“... are they worried that she’s autistic or something like that?” 

“Autistic is about the word that they use, yeah,” said Dan.

“Well,” said Holly, “none of her teachers have had any problems with her, apart from her being very stubborn, and hyper focusing.”

“Right,” said Holly, and she sighed, a long, belabored sigh. “They don’t know our daughter. We do.”

“Right,” said Dan.

“If they’re so bothered by a kid who flaps when they’re happy, they can suck my biggest dick.”

… that was cruder than she usually went, but she had some she-bear in her when it came to her offspring.

Go figure.

“Fair enough,” said Dan. “I’ll pass it along.”

“Maybe not with those words, specifically,” said Holly, as an afterthought.

Dan grinned.

There was a reason he was the one who was doing the Den Mother type things; Holly didn’t have patience for the politics of groups, didn’t have patience for other people’s children.

And Dan pulled her closer, kissing her loudly on the temple, and she snuggled up to him, her eyes sliding shut.

“I’m sorry you’re afraid,” she said quietly.

“It’s okay,” said Dan. “It’s not your fault that I’m afraid.”

“I mean,” said Holly. “It kind of -”

“It’s your body doing shit, but it’s not your fault that your body is doing stuff. Any more than its my fault that my body does stuff that it shouldn’t.”

“How’d I end up with such a great husband?”

“Well, you met Ross online,” Dan said, his tone teasing.

Holly rolled her eyes and she prodded him in the ribs, her eyes sliding shut, exhaustion passing over her like an angel. 

* * * 

Things kept happening, as life does.

Holly… slowed down.

She let herself feel things.

And okay, sometimes feeling things meant that she drove Wren to school, kissed her goodbye, and then she went back to bed and cried.

It meant that sometimes she was angry, and sometimes she was a little bit numb. 

It meant that she had a whole talk with Wren one night, when Wren found her crying, that sometimes you feel sad, and it’s okay to feel sad, even if it may hurt.

She was… she was whole again, in some way.

She wasn’t sure what it was that had taken away some part of her - the miscarriage had been part of it, but… there had been other things too.

Things that were complicated and deep, and she talked about some of them with the counselor. 

It was the counselor who suggested the ritual.

He had said that she should release a balloon, but she’d never do something that would have that level of environmental impact. 

She figured it out on her own. 

* * * 

New years happened, and Holly and Wren sat out in the yard, watching the fireworks.

Holly was losing lap space, and Wren was getting bigger - she was already starting to squirm to get comfy, and Holly’s stomach was beginning to get bigger.

The cats were hiding under the bed, Dan and Ross sat next to them.

Wren put her head on Holly’s shoulder, as Holly stroked Wren’s curly auburn hair back, and the sky turned green and pink and purple with flashes.

“The pigeons don’t like the fireworks,” said Wren.

“No, they’re a bit too loud and flashy,” said Holly.

“Do you like them?”

“They’re pretty neat,” said Holly. “I’m glad that you like ‘em.”

“Thanks, Mama,” said Wren, as if Holly was the on who put the fireworks up in the sky personally.

Holly rubbed Wren’s back, watching the fireworks bloom in the sky, as her own heart opened, just a little bit.

“Can Abba put you to bed tonight?” 

Holly spoke into Wren’s head.

“Why?”

“I’ve got some stuff I gotta do,” Holly said, “and it’s straight to bed after the fireworks.”

“I wanted to stay up late,” Wren pouted.

“Birdy, it’s after midnight,” Holly said. “Bed. Now. I can barely keep my eyes open.”

She kissed her daughter on the temple, and then Dan was leaning down, to pick her up. 

“I’ll come inside in a bit,” said Holly, kissing Dan.

“It’s all good,” said Dan, as he and Ross made their way inside, with Wren over one shoulder.

She was already beginning to fall asleep.

* * * 

Holly stood outside in the mostly quiet darkness, as the pigeons fussed at her. 

She put both hands on her belly, which was starting to get bigger, although that might have just been the second servings she’d been having of everything. 

But there was a small stone by the pigeon coop, and she bent down to pick it up, carefully, 

It was small, a piece of quartz, white and shiny in the light from the house. 

It was roughly the size of her palm, and she held it carefully in her hand, then gave it a squeeze.

* * *

She carried the rock with her, as she got bigger, leaving the first trimester, entering the second with some trepidation.

Dan was planning something or other for Valentine’s day, and Wren’s Scout troop was going to be putting on a play.

There was going to be pizza and cookies afterwards, and Holly was actually going to go.

Dan promised her extensive cunnilingus, as a reward for sitting through it.

(Holly loved her daughter, would cheer on all of her endeavors. Sitting through a play put on by a bunch of five year olds… was pushing it). 

Ross was going to do… something or other.

He was being cagey about it.

He was planning something or other - Morgan was going to be coming over as well, and was going to cook all of them some kind of ridiculous meal. 

Holly tried not to worry - the baby wasn’t moving.

Wren had started moving pretty early, but the baby in her belly right now was just… a lump.

… she was not going to be afraid.

The doctor at the sonogram told her it was all perfectly normal.

Anyway, Holly was healthy as a horse (healthier, considering how delicate horses actually are), all things considered.

Her hair was shiny, her skin was clear… she was practically glowing, according to Ross.

Dan couldn’t get enough of her, but he was like that the last time she was pregnant. 

Weirdo had a kink for it or something.

The rock was heavy in her pocket, as she walked towards the lake.

It was a new addition - they’d rerouted it into the park she liked to go to, and she liked to go sit by it on days when she had some free time. 

The park was pretty empty - it was a week day, and early enough in the day that people who liked to eat their lunch were still away, and the morning hikers had already gotten started.

Holly sat on a bench next to the river, the sun beating down onto the top of her head, and she held the rock in the palm of her hand.

“I’m sorry I didn’t know about you sooner,” she told the rock, looking down at it. 

She felt faintly ridiculous, but it also felt right.

Nobody was around to hear her, talking to a rock.

“I know you weren’t a baby yet,” she said, and she kept her eyes on the rock.

The flecks of mica embedded in the quartz caught the light, and they sparkled like chips of diamond.

“You weren’t a baby yet, and I don’t even know if we would have kept you, or if I would have gotten an abortion. But I wish you hadn’t been taken from us the way you were. I wish… I wish I could have known the person you might have been.”

The rock stayed in her palm, its surface smooth but slightly grainy under her fingers.

The chunks of quartz were big enough that she could discern individual grains.

It was warm from being in her pocket, against the warmth of her skin. 

She put a hand on her belly, still talking to the rock.

“I’m… this baby isn’t to replace you,” she told it. “I promise. And… I’ll miss the person you might have been, forever.”

She kissed the rock, and she whispered a name to it, and then she drew her arm back, and threw it into the rushing waters of the river.

The light refracted crazily, and it sent splashes up, as it sank down into the water.

She let go, with that last bit, and she might have had tears tracking down her face, but it felt… right.

It felt like the thing that she needed to do.

She sighed, long and hard, and she put both hands on her belly, watching the light flash off of the water.

And something shifted inside of her, pressing against the skin of her belly, making it bulge out under her shirt.

She stared down in amazement, and the baby kicked. 

“Oh,” Holly said thickly, and she sat down on a bench, both hands cradling her belly, rubbing it carefully. “Oh, hello there! Hi! You’re in there!”

Another kick, and the baby shifted inside of her, poking her with a knee or an elbow, and she was crying again, unsure of what she was feeling, but feeling a lot of it.

She leaned back, planting her feet, and she watched the play of light on water, as the baby explored her insides.

Life went on, and kept going on. 

And… she had to go back to the house to work on her latest project.

* * * 

Holly sewed the new project, and then she was at Wren’s play, squeezed into a chair that was just a little bit too small, with Dan on one side and Ross on the other. 

She held both of their hands, and tried to follow the plot of Wren’s play.

There was an evil witch who turned someone into a dragon by way of magical Valentines day candy…?

Wren got to dress up as a dragon and stomp around, so that was good, and at the end of the play everyone got valentines day confetti shaped like little hearts all over them, and there was a lot of clapping and pizza for everyone. 

Wren sat on Holly’s knee - barely - and held on to Holly’s sweater, talking at her usual fifty miles per hour pace. 

Holly made agreeable noises and nibbled cookies, as Dan chatted with the other moms, and Ross sat next to her. 

“And then Rosalie - Mama?”

“What’s up, birby?”

“What’s wrong with your tummy?”

“Um,” said Holly. 

The baby was nudging against Wren’s hand, which was on Holly’s stomach for balance.

“Wren, come with me to get more pizza,” said Ross.

“No,” said Wren. “I want Mama to tell me.” 

“It’s rude to ask after other people’s bodies like that,” said Holly. 

“You’re not other people,” Wren said, and she was frowning, crossing her arms across her chest. “You’re Mama.”

“Still,” said Holly. “I’m my own person, just like you’re your own person.”

“I just want you to tell me,” said Wren, and she was beginning to pout. 

“If you want people to tell you things, you need to ask them nicely,” said Holly.

“Mama, are you gonna get sick again?”

Wren looked stricken.

“I’m not… I’m not sick like I was,” said Holly, and then she just took the plunge, because fuck it. “We’re having a baby.”

“What?”

Wren, still dressed up like a dragon, stared up at Holly.

They were in a slightly dingy rec center, and they were surrounded by other people. 

And okay, so Holly was pretty visibly pregnant at this point. 

… she wasn’t as big as she had been with Wren, admittedly, but still.

“A baby,” Holly said. “I’m going to have a baby. You’re going to have a little sibling.”

“But I don’t want a sibling,” Wren said. “Why am I having a sibling?”

“Well,” said Holly, “there’s… there’s a baby that’s in my stomach, and it’s gonna come out in a few months, and then it’ll be _our_ baby.”

There was a pause, and Holly shot Ross a Look. 

He was going to help her with this, goddamn it. 

“But what if I don’t want a baby?”

“The baby is coming regardless,” said Holly.

“Can’t it be like the pigeons? We’ll just replace it with an egg.”

“... what?”

“An egg. You put the special eggs under the pigeons. You can do that.”

“Humans… don’t work like that,” said Holly.

“Well, they should.” 

“I’m sorry,” said Holly. “We don’t really work that way.”

Wren pouted. 

“So there’s gonna be a baby?”

“There’s gonna be a baby.”

“When?”

“Around July,” said Holly.

“Why not sooner?”

“It takes babies a while to finish developing,” said Holly. “So… this one has some time.”

“Where is it?”

“It’s in my belly,” Holly said. “You felt it moving.”

“Oh,” said Wren, and she patted Holly’s stomach. “I’m gonna go play now, okay?”

“Sounds good,” said Holly, and she kissed Wren’s forehead.

“So it’s already started moving?” 

Ross looked… Holly didn’t always know what Ross’s face was doing.

But he put his hand on her belly, and the baby nudged at his hand through the thin cotton of her shirt.

“Oh,” said Ross, his eyes going wide. “Huh.” 

“You look as shocked as I was,” Holly said dryly. 

“Arin is gonna have a heart attack,” said Ross. 

“I feel like he’s usually pretty close to that state regardless.”

“I promised you cunnilingus and a dick riding, when we knew the pregnancy was viable,” he said, just low enough that she could hear it.

She flushed.

“Um,” she said thickly.

Ross grinned at her, and Holly flushed harder. 

“But first we should have our lovely Valentines day dinner as made by Morgan, and probably put Wren to bed after she collapses from a sugar high.”

“Don’t you wanna give Morgan some sweet, sweet loving?”

“Oh, I plan to,” said Ross. “I do believe that Dan will cover the whole “riding” thing, and Morgan is gonna do wonderful, wonderful sexy things to me.”

Holly rolled her eyes, but she was grinning.

“So,” said Dan, coming to stand with them, “what’s the plan?” 

“Food as cooked by Morgan, followed by me eating out Holly until she can’t use her legs, followed by her hopefully riding you into the mattress while I do things to Morgan that were no doubt illegal in several states.”

“No getting high with the baby in the house,” Dan said. 

“... what?”

Ross blinked at her.

A nearby mother looked at them, clearly scandalized. 

Holly smiled nervously.

“Mama, Mama, look!” 

Wren held up a pink and white cookie. 

It was the size of her own head. 

“Wow,” said Dan. “That’s pretty big!”

“Can we make these?”

“I think Morgan will know how to, if you bring them some.” 

“Okay!”

The baby shifted inside of Holly’s belly, and she grabbed Dan’s hand, pressing it against the curve of her belly. 

Dan’s knees just… gave out.

He got down on the floor, he put his hands on her belly, and he kissed it. 

The baby nudged against his palm, and he was actually _crying_.

… they got some weird looks, and Wren was clinging to her skirt, face in Holly’s hip.

“Is Abba okay?”

“Yeah, Abba is okay,” said Holly, her fingers stroking through Wren’s thin hair. “He’s just having a lot of feelings.”

“Why?”

“He’s… really excited about the baby,” said Holly. 

“Dan,” said Ross, “that can’t be good for your knees.”

“Shut up, Ross,” said Dan, but he was grinning as he stood up. “Shall we?”

“Let us!”

* * *

Morgan was at the house, cooking away.

There was a fancy vegetarian ravioli for everyone, even Wren, who thankfully hadn’t yet caught on that children her age were supposed to be picky.

Morgan and Ross kept shooting each other smouldering glances, but… well, what else was new?

They did put a hand on Holly’s belly, and the baby dutifully nudged against it, which brought a smile to their face.

“You think it’ll be another big one?”

“Was I a big one?”

Wren, clinging to Holly’s leg, stared up at both of them.

“You were the biggest baby I’ve ever seen,” said Morgan, their voice solemn but their eyes sparkling. “You wanna help me?”

Wren nodded, entranced.

“I need you to rip up this spinach,” said Morgan, indicating the bowl. “We’re gonna put it in the sauce. Okay?”

“Okay!”

“But what do we do first?”

“We wash our hands!”

“Very good,” said Morgan. “How about you go do that in the bathroom, then we can get cooking?”

“Okay!”

Wren ran off, and Morgan turned, so that they were leaning against the sink, wiping their hands on a dish towel.

“How about Holly and Ross go enjoy a romantic rendezvous while I keep the munchkin occupied?”

Holly blushed, but Ross was nodding, grabbing her by the hand.

“I like this plan,” Ross told Morgan. 

“What can I say? I occasionally have good ones.”

Ross bent down, and he kissed Morgan on the mouth. 

“Just save some dick for me, okay?” 

Morgan directed that at Holly, and Holly burst out laughing.

“I’ll do my best,” Holly promised, as Ross propelled her out of the room, the two of them staggering up the stairs.

* * *

Holly put music on - something nice and loud - as the two of them sat on the bed and kissed.

Ross’s hands were on her belly, then moving up, to her breasts, and he was careful as he kneaded them, pressing his thumbs against her nipples, then twisting them between his fingers. 

“Oh,” Holly mumbled into his mouth. “Oh, that’s….”

“You’re so gorgeous,” Ross said, right against her lips. “And… I know that we’re all caught up in the baby. But I promise you, you’re so much more.”

“Thank you,” Holly said, and she was kissing him again, cupping his face in her own two hands, her fingertips against his hairline, and then his lips were against hers again, hot and familiar, as he pushed her back carefully. 

“I promised you that I’d eat you out until you couldn't remember your own name,” Ross said, and he was pushing up her dress, kissing along the curve of her belly, right over her mound.

She sighed and shivered, as he nuzzled the curly hair she had there.

“You smell so good, fuck,” Ross said, and he was… he was holding her legs open, his hands on her inner thighs, squeezing them as he nuzzled into her pussy, through her panties.

She shuddered, trying to grab at his hair, but unable to reach.

“Oh, fuck, Ross,” Holly murmured, and he grinned, poking his head above the curve of her belly so that he could see her.

“Something the matter?”

“You’re a tease,” Holly said thickly.

“It’s one of the reasons you love me,” Ross said.

“That’s not the only reason I love you,” Holly said, indignant.

“I didn’t say the _only_ reason,” Ross said, as he delicately slid his thumbs under her panties, pushing them down around her legs, off one ankle.

And then he was licking her.

She was faintly damp from the making out, and his mouth was hot and familiar against her vulva, his tongue sliding along her slit, then finding her clit and flickering over it.

She moaned, her fingers going to her own hair, and she rolled her hips forward, beginning to pant.

Her breasts were heavy, tender, and one of his hands was reaching for it, but couldn’t, over her belly.

He settled on rubbing her stomach and opening his mouth wider, sucking on one of her labia, then her clit, sliding one finger into her, as she writhed under him.

“Oh, fuck, Ross, Ross, _Ross_!”

She was bing loud.

She covered her mouth with one hand - didn’t want to disturb Wren or Morgan, didn’t want to get interrupted.

But oh god, his mouth was so sweet against her, so familiar and alien at the same time, his tongue tracing her clit in little figure eights as his fingers curled inside of her, and before she even knew what was happening, she was cumming, hard enough that her whole body was shaking, the baby shifting inside of her again, and Ross’s face was right where it was appreciated, as she held him there, rolling her hips, grinding forward, panting. 

“Oh, that was a good one,” said Ross, nuzzling into her thigh. “Not the best I’ve ever given you, but a good one.”

“Oh my god, Ross,” Holly said, and she was cackling, as Ross came up to kiss her, and he tasted like her, smelled like her, his mouth soft and wet against her own. 

He was salty and musky, almost metallic, and he was shoving his own pants down, his cock hard and wet at the head, rubbing against the bottom of her belly, as the baby shifted inside of it. 

“So do you still want to ride me?”

He said it like that was a completely normal thing to say, as he leaned back into the bed, spreading his legs wide, planting them on the bed.

Holly stood up on shaking legs, then got onto the bed, straddling him awkwardly, her belly an ungainly weight on the front of her body.

That was… annoying.

It would be wonderful when she her her own body back.

It would be wonderful when she could be a person again, and not just something that was carrying a person.

But here she was, straddling her husband, looking down into his face, as Ross squeezed her hips, the head of his cock nudging against her clit as she ground against him.

He groaned like he was in pain, rolling his hips forward, and Holly had to get up, lining the head of Ross’s cock up with her entrance, and then she was sinking down onto him, moaning again, shuddering.

She squeezed him, sitting with him all the way inside of her, and she shuddered, her hands moving to her breasts, pushing the neck of her dress down to play with her nipples. 

“Oh, fuck, Hols,” Ross said. “God, you’re so _gorgeous_ , do it, ride me… fuck… you’re so… you feel so good…”

She rolled her hips clumsily, beginning to bounce awkwardly, and his cock twitched inside of her.

There were two different people inside of her - she contained multitudes, and then his hand was on her clit, he was feeling where the two of them were joined, squeezing his own cock, and that was… that was too something, it was doing something to her, and she was shaking like a leaf, she was already getting close, her whole body was on edge, and her nipples were so hard against her fingers, and she was squeezing around him so hard, trying to remember her kegels, trying to remember the different things she could do.

Until he grabbed her by the hips and thrust straight up into her, gasping, panting like he was running a race, and then he went completely still, shaking like a leaf.

His cock shot wad after was of thick cum into her, and she sobbed at the sensation, as it began to drip out of her, around her cock, to puddle on his groin.

“Fuck,” Ross said, and he blinked up at her, almost cross eyed.

“I did good?”

“You did _excellent_ ,” said Ross, and he grinned at her, as goofy looking as ever. “Want to ride my face again?”

“Nah,” said Holly. “I’ll save some pussy for Dan.”

“Oh my god, Hols,” said Ross, and now he was laughing - laughing hard enough that his cock slipped out of her, a… rather unpleasant, wet sensation.

She wrinkled her nose, but then she was laughing as well, laughing hard enough that she was a little worried she was going to pee herself, because… well, as pregnant as she was already, it had happened a few times.

So there was some hurried wriggling, and then she was going to the bathroom, to pee and clean things up.

By the time they came back downstairs, Ross was chopping vegetables while Wren told Morgan about the play.

Morgan gave Holly and Ross an amused look, and Dan leaned over to kiss both of them. 

“So then the dragon has to fight the witch,” Wren was saying, “and then it’s a happily ever after!”

“I see,” said Morgan. “Do you think the dragon liked the story?”

“Well,” said Wren, “ _I’m_ the dragon, and I liked it, so yes!”

Morgan grinned.

* * * 

Dinner was amazing.

Of course it was - Morgan cooked it.

They almost never had a dish go bad, and when it did go bad, it was usually spectacular enough that it led to an interesting story.

The evening went on - Dan kept his hand on Holly’s belly, and Ross would occasionally squeeze her knee, as Wren chattered on, the four adults interjecting where it was appropriate to do so.

Ross and Morgan went off to Morgan's house, when everyone had finished the food, and Wren was given a bath by Dan, while Holly washed the dishes.

They watched a movie with Wren snuggled between them, and Dan kept one hand on Holly's belly, as the baby inside occasionally nudged against his hand.

Holly put Wren to bed, reading her two stories, and then Wren fell asleep, her head on Holly's thigh.

Dan was still sitting in the living room, sprawled out on the couch and idly channel surfing.

"Did she go down?"

"Like a light," said Holly, snuggling up to him. 

"That's good," said Dan, and then he was putting a hand under her chin, so that she was looking him in the eyes.

He kissed her, long and soft and sweet, and she kissed him back, a tingling starting from her back to her belly to her clit, all the way to the tips of her fingers, and she kissed him, her tongue in his mouth, her hands in his hair.

"We should retire to the bedroom," said Holly, right against Dan's lips. "I don't want to end up having to worry about scarring Wren for life."

"I don't think her seeing you sitting on my face is gonna car her for life," said Dan. 

"S-sit on your face?"

Holly was blushing. 

"Oh yeah," said Dan. "I'd like you to sit on my face, and then I'll give you a long, leisurely fuck...."

Holly kissed him, because she didn't have a response to that, and she pressed closer to him, her belly against his, her hands in his hair, and he kissed her back, his tongue in her mouth, and he was pulling her closer, until the only thing that was separating the two of them was the rounded curve of her belly, and he was bringing his hand down between them, along the underside of her belly, and then he was cupping her vulva through her panties, his hand up her skirt.

"Oh," Holly mumbled, and she rolled her hips forward, grinding the heel of his hand against her clit, and he moaned, squeezing her vulva, and then his hand was sliding _into_ her panties, and his fingers were curling against her slit, up and down, collecting wetness, making her wetter, then using the tip of one finger to diddle her clit.

She curled her toes, and then she grabbed at his wrist.

"We should keep doing this... someplace with a door," said Holly.

"You're right," said Dan. "Shall we?"

* * * 

Holly sat on Dan's face, her hands in Dan's hair, her hips rolling, her thighs squeezing his face, and he was panting and moaning, his hands on her ass, keeping her in place as he licked her and licked her, sucking her clit, fucked her with his tongue.

It was all a mess of sensations; it was wetness, slipperiness, heat, and arousal, filling her up like water in a glass.

She shoved a hand into her mouth, biting down on it to keep from making too much noise, and she rolled her hips, grinding against his face.

He moaned, shuddering, and then he was doing... something, and she was cumming all over his face, gushing, leaving him wet and sticky, as she shifted her weight, so that she was resting on his sternum, looking down at him, blinking, trying to get her brain in some kind of working order.

She was naked.

He was shirtless.

He kissed her belly, one hand on it, and his expression was soft. 

"I'm so glad we're having another baby," said Dan. "No matter who the biological father is... it's still at least one third mine."

"One third yours," Holly said, her tone humorous. "Which third?"

"Probably the bit that's got the musical talent," said Dan. "How about you lie on your back so I can give you some more sweet loving?"

He waggled his eyebrows, grinning at her.

She paused.

"... can I blow you a little bit?"

She was blushing.

"Sure, if you want to," said Dan. "Are you not feeling up for sex?"

"No, no, I'm up for it," said Holly. "But... you know, we've been so focused on how we're gonna save sperm, and then I wasn't up for much, so I thought that maybe we could... you know, waste some sperm, be decadent."

"... oh," said Dan, and he was blushing, his whole face turning red. "Okay, yeah, that's hot as fuck. Let me just...."

* * * 

There was more finagling, as they tried to figure out a position she could comfortably give him a blowjob in, without being too hard on her back or her belly.

She ended up sitting on the edge of the bed, leaning over. 

"Wow, your boobs are getting big," said Dan, and he was shoving his pants and his boxers down and off, his cock hard and pressed against his belly, the head flushed purple.

Holly rolled her eyes, but didn't say anything.

She leaned forward, and she took Dan's cock into her mouth, sucking on the head of it, swirling her tongue around the head of it.

He shuddered against her, and she put her hands on his hips, keeping him in place, beginning to bob her head.

He was thick and salty in her mouth, familiar, and he pulsed like a heartbeat against her tongue, the thick vein along the side bringing the blood through his whole body.

He was so warm and soft under her hands, and she rolled his balls in her hand, squeezing them, kneading them, as he shuddered next to her. 

She didn't try to deep throat him - as delicate as her gag reflex had been as of late, it was probably a bad idea to try to poke it too hard.

She focused on the head of his cock, and her hands went from his balls to his shaft, jerking him off clumsily. 

He was moaning, and she kept her eyes on his face, drooling down her chin, beginning to suck harder, until he was trembling against her, like a leaf in a gale.

"I'm gonna... Hols, if you keep that up, I'm gonna cum."

She pulled off of him, and she leaned back, aiming his cock at her breasts, jerking him off.

"Do it," she said, breathless. "Do it, c'mon, cum on me, please!"

"Ah!"

Dan came, hard enough that his knees almost gave out, and he clearly had to lock them, as he shot his load on her breasts, and it dripped down onto her belly.

She rubbed it into her skin, enjoying the sticky, silky feel of it, and the decadence of it - they didn't have to worry about saving it anymore. 

It wasn't a precious resource, and there was something almost... wasteful about letting it dry on her skin.

Dan flopped onto the bed next to her, pulling her onto her back next to him, cuddled up to her, his head on her shoulder

"Sorry about that," she said. 

"It's okay," she said, and she kissed him. "I thought it was really hot."

"You sure?"

"Oh yeah."

"Well, if you say so," said Dan, and he kissed her, a gentle peck.

He still tasted like her. 

"Did you have a good Valentine's day?"

Her voice was soft, and the baby shifted inside of her again, making a bit of her belly bulge as it pressed against the confines of its small world.

"Yeah," said Holly. "A great one."

"That's good," said Dan, and he kissed her again. "We should shower."

"In a minute," Holly mumbled, and she pulled him closer, her eyes sliding shut. 

She needed to pee, and her back was going to hurt in a minute if she wasn't careful, but... right now, it was excellent.

Everything she needed. 

She was at peace, finally. 

She hadn't realized how... bad it had been, until it had finally cleared up.

She rubbed her belly absently, and the baby kicked against her hand. 

it was going to be alright.

* * *

Holly sat in the office, shifting from foot to foot, trying to get comfortable.

This was going to be... complicated.

Who was going to be the biological father?

If it was Arin's, what would they do?

Dan was sitting on one side, Ross was sitting on her other.

Arin was sitting next to Dan.

"So are you guys ready?"

"I hate needles," Dan said morosely.

"I do too," said Arin.

"You guys can hate them together," said Holly, keeping her voice glib.

"And when do we find out about the stuff?"

"Depends when they call me," said Holly.

"So when the baby is like, six?"

"You're funny," Holly said flatly.

"Ms. Conrad?"

Holly stood up, carefully, one hand on her lower back, and she went to the receptionist. 

"Right this way, ma'am."

* * *

They stuck a needle into her arm, which was... unpleasant, but then it was done, and she was waiting for Ross, Dan, and Arin.

"I hate needles," Arin groused, but he leaned down, one hand on Holly's belly.

The baby kicked, and he beamed.

"Big strong girl," he said. "Just like her daddy."

"We don't know who the baby is yet," said Holly, as she stood up and made her way out. "Let's get some ice cream."

"I am totally pro this plan,' said Dan, sliding his arm in hers, and the four of them made their way off.

* * * 

"When is the next sonogram?"

Suzy sat across from Holly at the Berhow-Hanson kitchen table, the two of them eating sandwiches. 

"A few days," said Holly.

"Arin is convinced the baby is his," Suzy said. 

Holly paused, looking at Suzy's face. 

She couldn't entirely read it.

"I... don't know how you're feeling right now," said Holly. "Can you tell me what's bothering you?" 

"I don't know how I feel," Suzy said, and she put her head in her hands. "If you and... you know, if you and Arin end up having a baby together, I don't know how that's gonna work, what it's gonna mean. And I'm scared about it, you know?"

"It'll be you and me and him and everyone else, the way this stuff works. Okay?"

Holly offered Suzy her hand.

Suzy took it, and she squeezed it.

"I got you a special Valentine's day present," said Suzy, her voice quiet. "I mean, I got you two presents, but one is technically for the baby."

"Right," said Holly. "Can I see the one that's for me, please?"

"Of course," said Suzy, and she looked a bit sheepish, as she left the room. "I'll be right back."

Holly leaned back in her seat, her hands over her belly, and she looked down at it.

"You're getting most of the presents, aren't you, honey?" 

Another kick. 

"Oh well," said Holly. "You'll be cuter anyway."

"I'd disagree with you on that one," said Suzy, and she came in, carrying a small box and a big one. 

She held the little box out to Holly, leaning on the table.

Holly opened up the little box, and she smiled, her expression going soft.

It was a ring. 

A silver ring with Strix's runes carved into it, and it was... it was beautiful.

It was one of the sweetest gifts that anyone had ever gotten her.

She burst out crying, ugly crying, great, wailing sobs, tears dripping down her face, and she put the ring on her hand that didn't have a wedding ring.

"Oh god," said Suzy, and she wrapped her arms around Holly, resting her own chin on top of Holly's head. "Shhh, it's okay honey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't know it'd make you so -"

"Don't be sorry," Holly mumbled, and she pressed her face into Suzy's stomach, as Suzy stroked her fingers through Holly's hair. "It's an amazing gift. I love it so much, thank you for it. I'm so glad you got it for me. I love it so much. Thank you, darling."

She kissed Suzy, with her disgusting, teary faced, and then she laughed.

"Remember that fight we had in the car, when I was pregnant with Wren?"

"I wouldn't really call it a fight," Suzy said, and she gave Holly bunny kisses. "I kinda just... berated you. Which was kinda nasty of me. I'm sorry about that." 

"It's been five years," Holly pointed out. "I think I've forgiven you by now."

"You think?"

"You know what my brain is like," Holly said, and she kissed Suzy again, cupping Suzy's face in her hands, stroking Suzy's cheekbone with her thumb. "God, you're so beautiful, you know that?"

Suzy blushed, and Holly kept eye contact, her hand under Suzy's chin. 

“I mean it,” said Holly, and she licked her lips. “I think what I want, more than anything else in the world right now, is for you to sit on my face.”

Suzy made a startled noise, and then she was giggling, her face turning red.

“ _Holly_!”

“What?” Holly kept her tone completely sweet, innocent, her hands stroking across Suzy’s sides. “How about we go up to the bedroom, and you can sit on my face, and I’ll make you cum so hard that you forget your own middle name.”

“Do you know my middle name?”

“... well, no,” said Holly, and she stood up carefully, one hand on her lower back, “but my point still stands.”

She leaned in and kissed Suzy, cupping Suzy’s cheeks, thumbing Suzy’s cheekbones, and then Suzy sighed, leaning in to Holly’s warmth.

The baby pressed against Suzy, and Suzy made a surprised noise, and laughed.

“Hi in there,” Suzy said, one hand going to Holly’s belly.

“I’d let you sit on my face right here,” Holly said, as her hands moved down, to Suzy’s waist, spanning Suzy’s hips with her own hands, “but I figure you’ll want something nice and soft on your knees.”

“Um,” said Suzy. 

“So?” 

Holly did her best to grin saucily. 

She’d never exactly been good at being seductive, but Suzy had always been endeared by her attempts. 

“Um,” said Suzy. “Yeah. Um. I could do that. I mean. If you’re up for it.”

“Wouldn’t have suggested it if I wasn’t up for it,” Holly said. “So. Shall we?”

“Do you want me to give you the gift for the baby?”

“Later,” said Holly, and then she was kissing Suzy again, her tongue in Suzy’s mouth, her hands on Suzy’s ass.

* * *

Suzy sat on Holly’s face.

There was some finagling - Holly’s head was supported by pillows, and Suzy was kind of… hovering, clinging to the headboard. 

But Suzy’s cunt was as salty and wet and hot as Holly remembered, and Suz still squealed when her g-spot was pressed down on. 

Suzy still shuddered on top of her, and Holly’s hands were on Suzy’s hips, slippery with sweat.

Occasionally, she’d move her hands over, to play with Suzy’s nipples or grab at Suzy’s ass, and Suzy would shudder and pant on top of her. 

Holly grinned, and latched on to Suzy’s clit, sucking on it and flickering her tongue over it, as Suzy’s moaning went up in pitch.

God, she loved her girlfriend.

And Suzy’s fingers were in her hair now, and it was… holy fuck, it was so much, it was intense, and she wished that she could rub herself off right now, but she was paying too much attention to Suzy, and Suzy was already starting to hunch her hips forward, bearing down, and Holly opened her eyes carefully.

She couldn’t see much beyond the curve of Suzy’s belly, Suzy’s breasts hanging down, but then Suzy went stock still, and she was cumming across Holly’s face, leaving Holly’s face wet and musky, her hips working desperately as she came and came. 

“Oh… god,” Suzy gasped out, and Holly just… kept licking her. 

She licked Suzy through three more orgasms, until Suzy did indeed flop down onto the bed next to Holly, still trembling, clutching at Holly.

She grabbed Holly by the hair, and she kissed Holly, taking in her own taste, moaning, her hands groping across Holly’s delicate, tender breasts, rubbing Holly’s belly, which was shifting from the baby. 

“Oh,” Holly said. “Oh, fuck, Suzy, please….”

“Please, what?” 

Suzy’s voice was a rasp. 

“Make me cum, please!”

“Anything for you, baby,” said Suzy, and she kissed Holly again, kissing down along to Holly’s breasts, latching on to one of them, sucking on one nipple, hard enough that Holly swore, grabbing on to the headboard, her back arching, her feet scrabbling along the covers of the bed, her legs drifting open.

Suzy settled between Holly’s legs, and she held Holly’s labia open, licking her, latching on to Holly’s clit, and Holly howled to the heavens, wriggling and humping, her whole body beginning to curl forward.

She was more sensitive than she had been.

She came like a song, and she squirted like a water gun, getting Suzy right in the face.

Suzy sat up, kissing along Holly’s belly, and she looked amused.

“I don’t remember being that good,” she teased.

“S-s-sorry,” Holly mumbled.

“Don’t be,” said Suzy. “Just… give me a chance to have another go, hm?”

“O… okay,” Holly said.

Her heart was still beating very fast, and the baby seemed to be feeling the endorphin rush as well - it was rolling over, kicking, and Holly was shaking so hard that her teeth were chattering, as Suzy’s mouth began to lick again, in all the good places that Suzy had discovered over the years.

Holly came hard enough that her eyes rolled back into her head, as Suzy’s fingers pressed down on her g-spot, and then she was cumming, sparks going off behind her eyes, and then she was flat on her back, panting, shaking, her muscles like jelly.

“Shit,” Holly said. “Holy… fuck.”

“How was it?”

Suzy looked slightly nervous. 

“It was amazing,” Holly said, reaching up. “Come kiss me. Please.”

Suzy leaned over, kissing Holly on the mouth, and Holly grinned at her, embarrassed but pleased in spite of herself. 

This was all… weird, but they had never done stuff the way they were expected to.

Why would this be any different?

* * *

Holly came home to a pair of sleepy husbands and an envelope from the fertility clinic.

She took a shower, to wash the scent of sex and Suzy off of her, and then she sat on the couch between her husbands, who had both recently showered as well (probably to wash the smell of their own sex out - or maybe they’d had sex in the shower, although it was less of a thing than when they’d all been older.

Regardless.

“How was Wren’s scout meeting?”

“It was alright,” said Ross, leaning against her companionably, his hand on her belly. “We had some pretty great sex afterwards, since she was so tuckered out she just fell into bed.”

Holly snorted.

“The letter from the clinic is on the table,” Dan said quietly. “Do you want to open it?”

“Do you want me to open it now? Or do you want me to wait for Arin?”

“You could call Arin,” Ross said. 

“I’ll tell him if it’s him,” Holly said. “Dan, can you go get it?” 

“Yeah, sure, hold on,” said Dan, and then he was getting up, making his way towards the kitchen table, where the letter sat. 

Holly sighed, and she leaned against her husband, letting him stroke his fingers through her hair, then sitting up as Dan came to sit down next to her.

He handed her the envelope, one hand on her thigh. 

Ross squeezed the back of her neck, and she sighed, and opened the envelope open.

“No matter what,” Dan said, his big brown eyes serious, “it’s all of our baby.”

“Of course,” said Ross. 

“And we’ll… we’ll all love it.”

“I feel like I don’t have a say in the matter,” Holly said dryly.

Ross snorted.

“No matter what,” he said, “it will be my screaming little poop goblin.”

“Don’t call our future baby a screaming poop goblin,” Dan said, scandalized. 

“Of course,” said Ross. “How can I forget the vomit? Or the pee. If it’s a boy we’ll be getting peed on from all angles.”

“Hey now,” said Dan. “Wren peed on all of us.”

“I was enjoying not having to interact with anyone else’s bodily fluids,” Holly said, in a slightly downtrodden tone of voice.

They both opened their mouths to say something.

“Don’t even think about it,” Holly told them both. 

They both pouted.

Holly sighed, a deep, bone rattling sigh.

They were all too much alike.

Living together took a toll.

And they were all stalling.

“Okay,” said Holly, and she opened the envelope, taking the letter out.

Dan and Ross read over her shoulder.

“Well,” said Dan, after a minute, “congratulations, Ross. You’ve officially passed your genes on.”

Ross sat there, looking slightly shell shocked. 

“We can do it,” Holly said, in a slightly nervous voice.

Dan took her hand, and so did Ross, and they both squeezed her fingers.

“We can do it,” said Ross. “We’re gonna be fuckin’ awesome.”

“Yeah,” said Holly, and she squeezed their fingers, placing each hand palm down on her belly. 

Holly’s heart beat in her ears, and a second, smaller heart beat in her belly, as their hearts beat in their fingers, against her own.


End file.
